sometimes it's love, sometimes it's reality..

here and now not lion but baloon

2010-12-19T08:24:00.002+07:00

okay. i admitt it. i've got a broken heart. by a person that knew me long enough to at least have the ability to think of what was going to happen next. i admitt it. my heart was broken. and i never realise, even now, whether it has already been healed or not. I don't know. sometimes i looked back to the moments where he showed his affection. sometimes i looked through what's in front of me. thoughts squeezing and emerging. a lot of things awirling like a tornado. all at once.

my life. right now. not a good state. not a good balance. not on a good platform. it's floating. and the contents beneath it keeps on changing. phase to phase. it's a rambling thought about here and now. life is not all about him. life is not all about chemistry between two opposites. but love makes you happy. and this one i feel right now. it feels so calm. so tamed. it isn't like lion capturing the prey. it is more likely to be assumed as a baloon floating in the sky. going way up high. driven by the wind. whereever it goes, it still is going up.

die Bibliothek

2009-11-11T09:17:00.002+07:00

Here's the thing that's been accompanying me the whole time.
I live in Lemgo. I'd say a village, only that the village has supermarets and university. Ah well, maybe not really a village short to say.

Where am I studying? In Detmold. It's another city nearby. Just 30 minutes on a bus ride. Still, even though it's only half an hour, I have to walk far enough from the station to my University. Plus I have to fix my time with the bus schedule which i find not flexible at all. That's why I couldn't just go lemgo-detmold as if I had a car. And that leads me to spending my time at the Library while waiting for my german class on the pretty much night time.
I don't know whether I'm being useful staying at the library or just...I don't know...
Anyway, I guess my roommate just freaked out because she just saw a face lightened up in the middle of the niht when everything's black..LOL..*my face was lightened of course by this phone i'm using*

baru ngerasain yang namanya idup d kos-kosan

2009-07-06T16:02:00.001+07:00

rasanya? Hmmm....bosen di kamar ga bisa ngapa ngapain.. Pengen ini itu tapi ga bisa.. Mungkin kmaren kmaren terlalu hiperaktif juga kali yaa? Untungnya ini ngekos sekamar ber3..hahahahaha...

Ntar pemilu kudu pulang!!! Ayo mari kita memilih untuk bangsa dan tanah air!!!!hihi..

hiks

2008-06-21T17:22:00.002+07:00

sebel.. hari sabtu malah di rumah... hiks.. coba aja ada yang ngapel *halah

oaaaaa... pengen ikut nyampah ma anak2!!!!!

im laying in bed instead... *sigh

dull..

just so you know

2008-06-12T23:11:00.000+07:00

I know it, you know it as well
no need to say it, but i'm going to anyway
I miss you, you know that
well I didn't say I want to go back
It's just hard to put another box
put it on the corner and get it locked
I know I'll get through this one day
I did it in the past so it's gonna be done someday
Clueless of what may come
I can only focus on what I should overcome
That's why we have this brain
filing the memories eventhough in pain,
just so you know.

when will I start?

2008-06-03T16:04:00.002+07:00

I said I wanted to do this
I said I wanted to do that
too much this and that
ended up doing nothing
just thinking
thinking bout too many things to do
just thinking
yea, stupid..

so.. when will I start doing something??

when??

ready.. set.. go!

2008-05-31T14:44:00.002+07:00

beli baju baru buat kerja.. hwihihi... im employed!

paper: senin

proposal: selasa

kerja: senin

dokter: selasa

karaoke: ...

nonton: ...

ngopi: ...

ready.. set.. go!

i wish

2008-05-24T03:02:00.001+07:00

I wish I could help him..

hari ini

2008-05-22T09:53:00.002+07:00

Apa ajeng yang tambah semakin lemah, atau memang masalah belakangan ini selalu menumpuk?

Mungkin memang ajeng semakin lemah..

Hari ini,

Biro arsitek yang saya dapatkan (P.T. Penta) hanya mengijinkan saya untuk bisa KP selama 3 bulan. 2 bulan full time masuk tanpa izin dan pada bulan ke-3 saya boleh bolong-bolong. Tetap saja, saya sangat merasa tidak aman. Saya takut proposal saya bermasalah lagi untuk TA depan. Saya bingung. Ajeng bingung.

Ingin cerita, tinggal tersisa Bang Dory.. hehe.. Ibu pusing mikirin kerjaan, dino jarang cerita, ayah di Padang, teman2 sibuk TA, ada juga yang sibuk magang di Urbane.

Setidaknya, barusan dino memberi satu piring Ring-O. Makasih..

Kemarin,

Ketika saya sangat terpuruk, saya hanya bisa sendiri, saya tidak mau merepotkan orang lain, ya, karena alasan yang sudah saya bilang tadi.

Esok,

Saya ingin berharap langit esok cerah, tak berawan, tak ada hujan, petir apalagi badai.

what I need to doesn't mean I want to

2008-05-19T20:06:00.002+07:00

I really want to say this: "This is it, then.."

Oh, if only I have enough courage and such big heart

gak ngeh

2008-05-18T22:05:00.004+07:00

Baru saja disadarkan oleh seseorang. Saya sering menyakiti orang dengan kata-kata saya tanpa saya sadari. Tapi, sebetulnya saya tahu. Saya dapat itu dari Ibu saya, gen menurun. Like Mother Like Daughter. Penyakit ini, lebih parahnya lagi, saya lakukan terhadap orang yang sangat saya sayangi: Ibu saya sendiri, dan pacar saya. Seringkali saya bertengkar dengan ibu saya. Umumnya dan seringnya dipacu oleh kata-kata saya yang tidak saya sadari bahwa itu menyakitkan atau menyinggung perasaan. Ibu saya sendiri, dia juga memiliki sifat mudah tersinggung. Maka terjadilah semua pertengkaran di rumah ini. Orang-orang yang saling sayang bertengkar.

Pacar. Saya menyakiti dia dengan kata-kata yang tidak saya sadari. Terkadang bahkan tidak saya maknai. Berbicara tanpa berpikir. Lalu datanglah kata-kata yang pedas dari dia. Orang-orang yang saling sayang bertengkar lagi. Untuk hal yang satu ini, masih saya ragukan. Apa betul dia begitu?

"Floating"

2008-05-17T22:20:00.004+07:00

I hate you
Left alone in the dark
You hate me
All those words stabbing my heart
I love you
Don't let us fall apart

Keep asking to myself,
tho you have the answer

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I just can't reach you

Let it stay
Don't care even when it hurts
Then you'll pay
You come and beg for forgiveness
Suddenly you stay
Once again I hope, so just be honest

Keep asking to myself,
but you have the answer

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I'm losing my faith in you

Staring at you staring out the window
Wonder what is today's show
Same people same background?
Or should I pull the curtain down?

Can't stop asking to myself
I get even more confused

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I'm losing my faith in you

So tell me..

10.32pm 17.05.2008 @home

"Thinking positive" itu dekat dengan "Hoping too much a.k.a. High expectation"
So now I'm floating.. it's not as if I'm happy.. it's that I'm not sure, going up and laugh out loud, or going down and scream out loud...

blahs

2008-05-17T19:47:00.004+07:00

Sometimes I use this excuse: He's younger than me. So that I could think to myself that all he is doing is just impulsive and, of course, selfish. What do I get? Learn to be more and more patient. Try to hold on and handle all those obstacles. This is life anyway (I often say this to myself, to remind me that this is not a wonderland). Anyway, stay positive. Why don't I see how many times I let him down?

I give too much love. Why can't he just accept that? In fact, he should be happy with it, right?

Left alone wondering why? Why oh why? What have I done this time?

Men need their own time alone with their toys, with their boys, withOUT me.

Maybe he doesn't in too deep. So, the options are:
a. drag him deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeper
b. drag him deeeeeeeeeeper
c. drag him deeper
d. let him be himself

Let it go, let it go..

breathe..

Owh Puhleeeezzz.....

2008-05-15T14:12:00.004+07:00

Oh God, NOOOOO! just a few months until the new semester.. (FYI, I didn't continue my final project. So I'm planning on doing it next semester). I got only 31/2 months to finish all these:

1. Paper work for Artepolis 2 (upcoming international seminar held by my department)

2. Apprentice for at least 2 months in Architecture Firm (too scared to apply)

3. Proposal for the next final project (how am i gonna do this? one semester seminar should be done in a month??? one fuckin month!)

saya pusiinggg pusing tujuh keliliiiingg.. oh astagaaaaaaa.....

PS: my boyfriend and I are okay now..*grin*

arsitek

2008-05-08T21:28:00.002+07:00

saya mau jadi ibu rumah tangga yang mengurusi anak, mengajari anak perempuan saya cara merajut, menjahit, memfoto, membatik, melukis, dan cinta.

saya ingin memiliki gelar arsitek tapi saya tidak ingin menjadi arsitek.. untuk saat ini tidak.. lelah.. saya ingin retire.. seandainya saya bisa retire dari program s1 di ITB ini..

Capek..

yang, kamu dimana? maafin ajeng ya yang... Trisna, maafin Ajeng.. maaf...

kamu dimana? ajeng kangen.....

yeye..

2007-10-23T19:50:00.000+07:00

"I'm a super girl!", that's my current shout out on friendster. But is that really what I feel like? I mean, feeling like I'm a super girl? I don't know actually. Sometimes we ought to say things to make ourselves believe the things that we thought were wrong but instead it might be right. You know, that sort of things.

I feel like eating cheese now.. I have mozarella and cherry tomatoes but no olive oil.. too bad.. aaahh..

the world's top 10 most liveable cities

2007-10-21T02:24:00.000+07:00

yea, just see it here.

sing, baby sing!

2007-10-21T02:08:00.000+07:00

yea, I do, sing a lot

yea, I do, use the speakers

yea, I do, use headphones

yea, I love music

aint a waste of time..

I can't.. No, I'm in red!

2007-10-18T19:21:00.000+07:00

this time, when you could know something, you chose not to, because you can't. and you live with uncertainty.

this time, when you could be happy and smiling a lot, you chose not to, because you can't. and you stop.

this time, when you could be in love, you run away, because you can't. why I can't? you all know the reason..

instead of being in an absolute joy, being in an absolute grief.. because I can't

instead of being in blue, being in red is better.. a whole lot better.. and i'm feeling red now..

*what's red by the way?*.. lol.. I don't care.. as long as it's red, i'd love it anyway.. and who cares?

and what's that pic there doing? nothing.. I just wanna share it with you guys.. twas taken in venice

by the time we have nothing to do

2007-10-15T16:09:00.000+07:00

ada yang seneng gambar2? baru menemukan situs lucu buat yang pengen belajar fashion design.. di www.fashionclub.com lumayan ada ajaran2 dasar.. hehe.. yaa.. ngisi waktu liburan lah. hehehe....

pelangi

2007-10-10T22:52:00.000+07:00

kupetik sebuah apel, kupetik sebuah jeruk, dan kupetik sebuah mangga. Buah yang paling mudah dimakan ya si apel, tinggal digigit saja. Si jeruk dan mangga ku taro di keranjang. Ku pandangi seluruh kebun, semua pohon tertawa padaku, kupandangi rumput, dan mereka menengadah mengintimidasiku. Kupandangi awan, dan semuanya tidak memperdulikanku. Kucermati tetes hujan.. satu-satunya hal yang bisa melebur denganku.. yang toleran denganku.. terima kasih untuk tetes air mataku..

Apel itu tidak membantu apa-apa. Jeruk dan Mangga juga hanya memberatkan bawaanku saja. Kukira dengan mencoba itu semua, aku bisa tumbuh dan bahagia..tapi memang sungguh sulit menemukan kebahagiaan itu..

hingga ku sanggup pandangi horison dan mencari pelangi..aku menunggu pelangi..

its a problem

2007-10-10T21:38:00.000+07:00

so far i'm losing myself... I don't recognize the soul inside this body, the thoughts this brain produced and every feeling this heart exhale.. as if..

this and that and broken and happy and naive and stupid and ruthless and fucked up and clueless and ....

i shout and scream and do what i want.. for all this time these seem to be me and careless for being abandoned and pain for being left alone..

emotionally troubled and heart attack and scary and flame and crazy and everything just turns out to be a bit disappointing..

lack of interest in finding proton..

why is it so hard to tame my heart?
why is it too easy to be this crazy?

lack of self-control..

stupid, again.

2007-10-10T20:41:00.000+07:00

i feel kinda a bit weird here.. i dont know.. somewhere on the corner of my beating organ.. really, it feels strange since it didn't use to belong there.

and that alienish feeling seems to be so dilemmatic to me. I mean, I don't want to have that but I enjoy having it.. seriously, I thought one is enough.. not again.. oh god.. have i been too chrystal clear again? stupid me, how naive.. and how scary i've become. stop!

liburan tak ada gawe.. sepi pula

2007-10-09T08:12:00.000+07:00

tuhkannn.. mulai ga penting nih liburan.. aduuuhhh ngapain yaaa... masih males mikirin seminar juga.. aaaahhh.. tar tanggal 12 ke jkt.. trus beberapa hari doang bistu balik lagi.. uuuhh.. tar dino wisuda.. mbak noni nikah.. uuuuhhh.. ramai betul ya bulan ini.. semoga membawa berkah buat gw juga.. hehehehe...

hmm, sebenernya ada sih kerjaan.. hehe:

BERTANI!! hahahahaha...

kmaren baru belanja taneman di lembaang.. senangnya.. hahahahahaha

lalala

2007-10-09T07:39:00.000+07:00

syalala.. layout baru.. syalala..

aduh, penyakitnya layout baru tuh maunya dipromosiin.. hehehe.. tapi gimana caranya ya ... berhubung disini terlalu banyak yang 'rahasia'

blame it on me

2007-09-16T18:25:00.000+07:00

she thought I turned him down. No, it's not it.. He turned me down.. And she keep on telling me he's a good person.. and it makes this even worse.. wanting him to be wanting me and the fact that he doesn't think that way at all, it's getting worse. I never stop praying.. No, I never did. I guess so.

please blame myself for that I waste my own time reminiscing. and the dream, of the past that I still carry on today, please just blame me. for not letting it go.

sabar

2007-08-18T15:49:00.000+07:00

yah, kegagalan lagi.. sabar lagi.. sakit lagi.. capek selalu..

tapi memang ini yang diminta, sepertinya..

jadi, dalam semalam semua runtuh.. semua senyum dan pandangan mengawang itu hilang..

dan kupu-kupu itu harus kutangkap dan kukembalikan ke kandangnya.. uhh, susah betul!

sabtu ini

2007-08-12T00:06:00.000+07:00

senang.. sangat senang.. bisa dilihat senyum yang tak henti..

00.26-00.31

2007-08-11T00:25:00.000+07:00

sekarang jam 00:26. Jadi, seharusnya report kmaren uda terlewat. However, gw tetep bakal cerita..

pagi ini senang.. hehehe.. begitu senang sekali.. hingga siang tadi.. tapi.. entah kenapa.. mungkin memang takdir...*halah

skarang sedih.. tak bersua, tak ada sapa, tak ada kata.

sedih

maket tercinta

2007-08-09T23:40:00.000+07:00

report hari ini:

gw bangun bukan mikirin siapa2.. tapi.. gw langsung teringat akan maket yang susah payah gw buat dimusnahkan dengan enaknya oleh orang prodi dengan acara ngeles segala.. sumpah ya.. makin lama gw enek juga ma ni prodi.. mana tadi lagi... si prodi ngasi tiba2 tamu dari malay ke himpunan.. diminta ajak keliling2 pula.. untung trakhirnya dapet cindera hati (duile.. bahasa melayu kali ya?) jadi ada radio deh di ruang himpunan tersayang nan gatal2 itu...

hmhh.. masih sakit hati mengingat maket tercinta itu.. susah payah dibuat.. kebayang ga si? bikin maket yang atepnya ribet.. dengan rancangan yang duile itu.. *sigh

yasudahlah.. nasi sudah menjadi bubur.. maket sudah menjadi sampah..

oh maketku tersayang.. aku merindukanmu..

padahal kan bisa jadi portofolio juga...hiks...

hmhhh...

oiya, tidak ada 'perkembangan' lanjutan.. sedih..

habis manis

2007-08-09T01:52:00.000+07:00

habis manis, pahit terasa.. itu dia.. sekarang ada sesuatu yang cukup membuat galau. Padahal aku betul-betul mengandalkan perasaan ini. Tapi, sepertinya kali ini sama seperti kemarin dan sebelumnya.

Aku berusahan untuk menjadi ceria.. aku jatuh cinta.. atau setidaknya aku merasakan butterfly itu.. Aku ingin menahannya lebih lama di hati.. karena kupu-kupu itu yang membuat aku tersenyum... mungkin memang karena sepi.

mungkin akan ada report per hari demi kemajuan dunia perkupu-kupuanku...

aku maluuuu...

2007-08-08T06:43:00.000+07:00

Apa ini betul? atau hanya... keinginan yang berusaha diwujudkan dalam imajinasi semata. Diharapkan terjadi di kenyataan.

Ternyata.. ada sebuah balasan darinya.. ihh, aku maluu...

Tapi, kok tiba-tiba si webnya sedang maintenance ya? aduh, sampai kapan itu? sungguh tak sabar menunggu...

Lalu, nanti akan bertemu, tak ya? aku malu.. akan seperti kemarin lagi sepertinya.. sungguh susahnya perempuan yang jatuh cinta.. uupss.. bukan deng.. suka, bukan cinta.. atau setidaknya belum... hehe.. aduh, bahasan jadi nggak keruan gini.. iya, jadi kemarin aku menghabiskan waktu cukup lama, cukup lumayan lama untuk memilih baju.. takut-takut kalau ketemu beliau. hari biasa aja uda lama milih baju, apalagi kalau ada maksudnya seperti ini.. aduh-aduh, jadi malu..

Nanti kalau ketemu, aku harus siap menyapa.. bagus lagi kalau kita bersuara.. hehe...

Oh, God.. thank God..

Was it my prayer?

hari ini kupakai lagi blog ini

2007-08-07T13:50:00.000+07:00

Berhubung yang tau ini cuma sedikit dan sedikit itu pun tidak pernah berkunjung kemari, jadi kita beberkan saja semuanya disini.. mereka juga gakan tau kalo blog ini dipake lagi.. hahaha...

Jadi, setelah setaun gw memandangi makhluk ini akhirnya kenal juga! Ya, ga setaun juga si.. beberapa bulan almost a year lah.. Iya, trus, abis kenal langsung gw add deh d fs.. trus.. langsung gw kasi testi pula!! aduhh, bodoh kali ya? kapan gw bisa jadi perempuan biasa kalo tiap kali bergerak begitu agresif? ahh, tau.. cuek aja.. itu kan yang hati gw pengen lakuin... dan gw percaya ma hati gw. Hhhh, jadi deg-degan.. takut kalo ketemu.. kemaren aja pas ketemu muka gw langsung merah.. akhirnya cuma senyum2an doang!. Anjrit!! Tai lo, jeng.. kaya gitu doang.. kampung. hahahaha.. uda ah.. malu..

Terus, sayembara yaudah babay.. dan setelah melihat karya orang laen.. seperti Pa Apep.. huahuahuaaaa..hahahaha.. untung ga ngabisin duit buat nyetak, ga ngabisin duit buat maketin.. hahahaha..... Aduh2... Namanya sih pembelajaran.. hahaha.. Tapi kok pembelajarannya 250rebu ya?

Mampus, ada temen dino.. blom pake baju sepantasnya. *gw baru bangun tidur* ngerti kan para perempuan?

let's go fishing!

2007-08-03T05:31:00.000+07:00

What's the use of all my vacations? went here and there and my mind stay still.
It's not that I miss you, it's just that I didn't even stop thinking of you. Even if i'm like 20 hours from here or 10 hours from here.

So, was there any point of having the vacations instead of staying here? I thought that trip could make my brain somehow work properly...guess I was wrong.

At least I know now that I think of you and it's not that I miss you. hope so.

always, nu lay out!

2007-04-07T07:01:00.000+07:00

again.. nu lay out.. senangnya... bereksplorasi... uuu..

i'd want to say it tho..

2007-03-14T22:17:00.000+07:00

he didn't even bother to say 'Hello'
why should i bother he hadn't say so?

he once stopped by to assure himself that we were okay
he didn't think that by asking me, he'd brought up the fire

for what he thought was best, it was just for him
for what he thought was for us, it's him being selfish
the more i know him, the more i hate him
the more i hate him, the more i think of him
so, laugh on me...

when i'll get my brain washed?
when i'll get my heart washed?

i am just too pathetic..

and even if i remember friend of mine once said that he didn't like seeing me being pathetic, it just wouldn't help in anyway..it supposed to be me being selfreliant. to believe that i am bigger that what i think am now that i could handle something bigger than before. but then i thought to myself that i haven't had anything else even as big as the past. so, will i ever get bigger somehow? i want to learn new things, new problems, but it just seems like i don't have any options of having any. have i been too closed?

jalan-jalan di Bandung!

2007-03-10T21:10:00.000+07:00

senangnya punya blog dengan lay out baru.. huhuu bawaannya jadi pengen posting terus.. tapi bingung juga mu post apaan..

Tadi bis jalan-jalan.. huihui.. ke PH Regent.. katanya si disono murah.. tapi sebenernya gw ga merhatiin harganya.. yaiyalah, masa iya gw inget? kaya yang sering aja ke sono.. yaa tapi intinya.. kalo mesen pizza ukuran PPP itu lebih enak di Regent ternyata.. soalnya di sono tu topping pizzanya full, ga kaya di Dago.. pokonya surface roti yang tersisa cuma dikit deh.. jadi ya emang enakan makan PH di Regent..yummy!! lagipula, di Regent masi ada pitcher..

Abis dari sono, kita ke : Minaret Masjid Agung (bener ga ya namanya.. Masjid Agung???) Pas jalan ke Minaret itu, kita kudu muterin alun-alun dulu lewat otista.. soalnya jalan masuk ke "Parkir Luas dan Nyaman" di bawah alun-alun itu kudu lewat jl. Dalem Kaum. Jadi aja kita muter dulu.. tapi, kita ga belok ke Dalem Kaum dari Otistanya..kita beloknya di Kings. Soalnya kalo jalan lewat Dalem Kaum tu kudu bayar.. males dah! Oiya, di Otista ada toko "Singapur" yang sempet bikin si Nona Fe sensi.. huihui..Yasulahya..

Nah, pas kita di jalan Kings itu, kita uda ngeliat beragam makanan pinggir jalan a.k.a. makanan PKL yang menggiurkan.. huuu.. Dimulai dari melihat tulisan "Cendol Elizabeth", Bola Obi, Keripik Setan alias Pikset, sampe ngeliat yang aneh-aneh seperti Toko jeans "Paris Hilton" Hwahahaha.. Ini uda di luar konteks makanan, ya..Trus ya, pas di depan Toko jeans ajaib itu, ada Mbak lewat.. Uuuu dandannya, bo! Si Fe langsung merhatiin, "Gila, Emang-emang yang jualan di sana langsung pada ngeliatin, coba!" Hwaaa... pake celana putih, CD terlihatlahya.. dan pantat kemane-mane..--yyuu, penting banget ya bahas ini--

Yah, pokonya, saking banyak tontonan di sana, kita uda kaya di Taman Safari aja liat-liat ke luar jendela dengan berbagai macam tontonan.. tapi, ya.. bukan tontonan si, banyakan yang jualannya.. hehehe.. jualan kalung, tas, ampe sepatu.. seneng ngeliatnya.. untung juga si gw berada di balik pintu mobil.. kalo gw ada di situ.... Huuuu.. tergodalah eike.. --jangan, Jeng, jangan!--

Akhirnya setelah melewati crowd di sana, kita menuju "Parkir Luas dan Nyaman". Terus, kita naek de ke Minaretnya.. itu tu di tingkat 19!.. huihuihui.... tinggi, ya? Kita bayar perorang Rp 2.000,00. Kita naek ke sononya jelas pake lift.. Nah, pas pintu liftnya kebuka, ada satu Bapak yang mojok di bawah pencetan--tombol, maksudnya-- angka-angka. Gw pikir tu orang 'aneh' .. abisan dia mojok, duduk di kursi --note: ada kursi di dalam lift buat dia duduk-- sambil nunduk-nunduk.. Kan nunduk-nunduk itu perilaku yang cukup 'aneh', kan? makanya pertamanya gw aneh.. eh, ternyata sane juga.. dia lagi baca buku rupanya, dan dia tu petugas di liftnya ternyata.. gt..

Begitu sampe di atas.. hmm.. lante 19! Pertama kali tuh, yaa, langitnya biasa aja.. gw ma Fe sama-sama bawa kamera.. uuu.... terlihat segala sudut kota Bandung sampe ke horizonnya! Di sana kita moto-moto.. dan termasuk foto narsis berempat! Tentunya pake tangan Dicke yang panjang untuk memegang kamera gw.. hwahahaha.. lama-lama dia pegel juga rupanya.. kita ganti-ganti pose dan tempat.....menyenangkan!.. Sampe akhirnya si Upi mendapat ultimatum dari Egi.. Hwaaaa.. hahaha.. untung Egi ga tau blog gw yang ini.. hahah.. Jadilah kita cepet-cepet pulang setelah beberapa sesi foto narsis lagi..

Begitu turun, kita --again-- foto narsis dengan latar minaret.. ehehe.. pake tangan Dicke lagi! Ajaib tu tangan, panjang juga..

Abistu kita pulang de..nganter si Upi ke kosan, terus kita bertiga ngendon di kosan Dicke... transfer-copy foto.. dan lalala.. KITA BELAJAR! hwahaha.. kita ngulang-ngulang slide kuliahnya Pengantar Studio.. rajin bener, yaa! Malem minggu gituh.. kita malah belajar... yyuuu....
Sebenernya malem tu ada tawaran buat makan bubur dari anak-anak 2002 .. tapi kita males, soalnya mereka juga ngajakin ke alun-alun. Lah, kita kan baru dari sono tadi sore, yak! Jadilah kita memutuskan untuk OL sajaa.... tadinya si mu ke apotek dulu.. gw beli kapas, Fe beli obat... Oiya, fe bermasalah lagi perutnya.. lagi...

Sekarang, gw OL dari rumah, Dicke ma Fe OL dari Atheroz.. hmm.. laper ni, blom makan!

nu!

2007-03-10T12:09:00.000+07:00

Yea, nu layout agaain... !

gossip

2007-03-04T23:12:00.000+07:00

so, late at night chatting with my friend in jakarta through YM!.. what a very rare talk..

started from light gossip to a heavy talk with problems in urban life, like you could imagine. I just didn't expect to hear such thing..

.sepi mental.

2007-03-04T00:54:00.000+07:00

kenapa ITU berasa seperti siklus? ada kalanya gw ga menghiraukan ITU, tapi ada kalanya gw tergila-gila akan ITU, ada kalanya gw ga bisa melepaskan pikiran gw dari ITU.

apa ini karena sepi mental? karena hati butuh berlabuh.

I don't wanna be me

2007-01-20T18:27:00.000+07:00

I don't wanna be me
in this case, I don't want to
so, i reached the point when I'm so unsatisfied with me
I never thought I would hate me for being just myself!
and now I did.

How come I act the way I did?
the way that I would hate people for doing it?
It's just way too untolerable to me
but I am me anyway..
so?

what am I supposed to do ?
world's too small
time's too short
and now I can't change
to be a better person? it's hard

what would you do? If you knew that you have a very bad caracteristic and you wished that it'd just disappear, your bad characteristic? This isn't just attitude.. it's your nature. And for God's sake, I really want to get rid of it. But I just don't know how.......

i need to feel:

2006-12-31T11:59:00.000+07:00

Weird.. knowing that I've spent my 4 days of a week holiday to chat--well, not chat exactly-- to 'discuss' about something so serious. very unlike holiday chit chat. where people supposed to be talking about life and gossip and stuff..

But at least now I have my holiday.. two days to go.. and then, start the whole routine again. meeting.. here and there.. getting ready for the big scale meeting at the weekend. Could you believe that? at the weekend...!

And now, big wind is blowing right outside my window. wow! okay, back to the topic again.. where was I?? oh, okay. about weekend. and so, I decided that I deserve to get a vacation.. trip to bali wouldn't be that bad.. my friend told me that the group wouldn't go unless there's a group of 40 people. with friends.. it'll be so fun.. I need to feel joy!

Oh, God! when am i going to say thank you??? I know I said it in every prayer. but still, do I really mean it?

I know I'm okay, but I feel empty. I don't know why.

at least for now I'm having myself a break, a holiday.

keep myself inside my own boundary..

2006-12-21T19:50:00.000+07:00

i hate being in this situation again.. I can't blame anyone, anything, but my super-unstable mood. moodswings.. understanding things that's meant to be nonsense..

i don't want to be a liar.

2006-12-19T23:59:00.000+07:00

i don't want to be a liar.

But, in this time i don't really know whether I've been sincere or not in anything in live.. I guess life's made of some bull and truth. we mix them all with good measure so our lives' look good to all people. the recipes that makes other jealous of what we call lie.. So the question now is, have I been lying? small stuff? big stuff? huge stuff? I don't know exactly..

anything but names

2006-12-13T21:05:00.001+07:00

Gw cukup senang karena blog ini minim pengunjung.. so I could tell anything. Just anything..anything but names.

It really feels stupid. "How could You?", You asked me that. I didn't know,still I have no idea. How could it be that person? For all people you've known better. How come?

Slap your face and say Yeah!!! get real!! Wanna taste the same most-hateful melody again? It would absolutely kill you, you idiot!

DUH?!? So lame of me... AAARRGHH!

And everytime I see that face, I just think to myself, "How could I?". Still, it happens anyway, no excuse. It's like the irony of having both brains and heart. They could not compromise in any way. They just couldn't. Bless you, for people with peaceful soul.

That's so typical of hurting-me-person.

anything but names

2006-12-13T21:05:00.000+07:00

art or photography?

2006-12-12T02:54:00.000+07:00

gw bingung.

apa fotografi itu suatu bentuk seni?

Kalau memang itu adalah seni, mengapa harus dinilai oleh orang lain? Seni lebih dimengerti oleh orang peng-karya-nya (sebutan gw untuk seniman). Bener, kan?

Sebetulnya, ada sebagian dari fotografi itu yang bisa dinilai oleh orang banyak, yang dimengerti oleh orang banyak. Tapi, menurut gw, tetep aja ada bagian tertentu dari fotografi yang hanya bisa dimengerti oleh pengkarya itu sendiri. Atau mungkin fotografi yang demikian tidak mencerminkan fotografi itu sendiri? Mungkin itu hanya suatu hasil dari kamera yang secara langsung membuat orang berfikir itu adalah fotografi? Padahal mungkin tidak memenuhi kaidah dari fotografi dan prinsip-prinsip standarnya? Memiliki makna dan sebagainya? Bagaimana dengan orang yang suka melihat sesuatu yang menarik tanpa harus memikirkan makna dibalik itu? I'd call it art, and I took it with my camera, and I'll call it photography.

Don't call me shallow. It's just me and my peculiar attitude. And I'll do what I want.

Yah, memang art itu ada maknanya.. but let's just say I do what I want, and I name it art.

Untuk hal ini, gw perlu opini banyak orang, oleh karena itu, post ini bakal gw taro di smua blog gw.. so don't get fed up with this post. thank you.

routine returns!

2006-12-12T01:13:00.000+07:00

This routine is coming back. I don't know how..Maybe because I've been too tired of all works to do? But I guess I did quite a lot time to have fun too.. Guess they're in balance... But, what about my body? May be my body is weak??

So, wake up this mid night.. 01.20AM nothing to do... I used to chat with my friend at this strange time, but we haven't been talking a lot recently.. Guess that person's allready forgotten anyway. People tend to get busy with things and forgot to what they call "unimportant".. or was I important? it doesn't matter anyway.. as long as I'm happy with what that person has given me..I'm so glad.

Now I'm just too depressed to start cutting the papers and I'm so not in the mood of starting drawing..........

Shoes!

2006-12-09T13:05:00.000+07:00

yea.. nu layout.. haha..

Can't wait!

Kapan ya pesanan sepatu jadi? Katanya upi si besok.. uuu.. semoga mbaknya nggak bohong.

Akhirnya gw sms juga mbak itu.. Ohh, really can't wait!

2006-07-06T11:35:00.000+07:00

Just finished reading this novel 'The Story of a Nobody'. There's a character named Zina. a young woman who did whatever she wanted. She just went with her conscience in her life. Well, so do I. But I won't end up like her doing suicide. No! Coz she thought she got no purpose in life.. while I think I have.

2006-07-05T23:33:00.000+07:00

_Bright light, oh come and put me on the spot of your ray. Light me with no lust no desire and take me up to the rooftop. I wanna watch the stars as I cry myself to sleep. I wanna get drowned in my imagination as I soaked in the night fresh air. And wake me before I get into a dream of my early desire. For all my heart breaks and useless hopes, I don't wanna cry for another night. Back of my head said I'd better off catch another candle to lit.

_Bright light, oh help me find the path. Where shall I go? Everything's so dark and it is darken as I see my watch is tick-ing. I don't wanna go thru my early path. You know how it finished. The end is the graveyard. And as you can see, I'm mourning among all my dead feelings and dead hopes that'd been burried in a land of mistaken lusts.

_Bright light, oh bright light, help me to recover. This dead land of no water no spot of light needs seeds. One is okay. This land just needs life. The one it has felt before is not yet satisfying. I wanna see my self smile to sleep. I wanna feel wonderful for the occupied heart-needs. I wanna sing myself joy on the spot of your ray.

_Bright light. To be on the spot of your ray it'd feel like being in the most wonderful spot on earth...................................coz it's just imagination.

2006-06-30T22:45:00.000+07:00

Some said to me
At the third year of my study, there'll be several new couples .. hahah..

When I come to think about it
we got the umm.. precedent. And it seems a lot of 'em.. Really?!?

But then
I'm gonna be in one studio with my ex. And so what?

What I want
is not to think much about boys .. Life is not about boys only, right?

2006-06-17T22:17:00.000+07:00

Stupidity brings me back to the world I've left behind. Where my hopes lay like drops of water of a rainy day. Falling from the sky touching the ground. Swinging like a falling leaf. The wind wishpering telling me to stop imagining myself as a falling thing. Falling drops of water. Falling leaf. Why should it all fall? To convince myself that I've gotten myself into failure? Or to make sure that I stay on the ground as I suppose to do?

Green, yea I'm green. That's my name. That's my id. That's just so me..knowing things in a very minimum range. Like this time. I just need to eat a lot more. I just need to go much more. I need to experience new things in life. Much more. That's what life's about.

What if I try to jump? What if I try to run? What if I try to ignore? What if you don't understand?

2006-06-03T07:44:00.000+07:00

No-no! It's really a no-no. Don't say I want to spend more time with him. Don't say I still want to be with him. Coz none of them right. Hey, I try to be professional here! Please don't tease me..(us). We broke up already! Hello!

So, what's with me working with him in a same division, and him whom takes charge of the div. Hey, what's with that? Like I beg him so I can be with him this holiday? Hell no!

Everyone, see the sign --> STOP! Okay, enough already. Stop thinking I'm still with him. K? WE ARE NOTHING MORE THAN FRIENDS NOW. GET IT?

2006-05-31T03:38:00.000+07:00

Pagi : Ujian
Siang : Makan siang
Sore : Ke Kamal, Ke Gramed
Sorean lagi : Kampus
Malem : Kafe Halaman

Ahhh.. bisa dibilang tidak terlalu banyak waktu yang dihabiskan dengan bengang-bengong saja, kan? Hari ini terasa penuh, waktu terpakai dengan maksimal, gw suka ini. Habisnya kadang-kadang disaat gw ada waktu luang, kebanyakan orang memilih untuk langsung pulang. Gw? Gw justru malas kalo cepet pulang. Gw ngerasa useless kalo udah pulang, soalnya pasti gw nyampe rumah tu OL. OL pasti ampe ngantuk, trus mampir kamar bonyok bentar ikut nonton, trus? Tidur.. halahh.. bener, kan useless? Itulah alasan gw kenapa suka pulang malem.. Selesaikan sosialisasi di luar rumah.

Ya, mungkin ada yang bilang sosialisasi bentuk gw itu juga termasuk useless. Emang bentuknya kaya apa? Kadang cuma ngopi doang, makan, ngobrol di kosan temen, dulu sih suka nongkrong di unit. Duh, tuhkan, jadi inget.. udah lama banget ya gw ga ke unit.. ke LFM.. jaman dulu pewe banget nongkron disana. Yah, mungkin juga gara-gara mantan gw yang kurang ajar itu. Most of my time spent just to wait for someone who's never show up. Ahh, hate those moments. Kalo dipikir-pikir dia cukup merusak kehidupan sosialisasi gw juga, ya? Eh, ga juga, deng... gw jadi lebih sering di himpunan gara-gara dia, dan dapet temen-temen baru, ya anak-anak 2003 itu. Ehhhh, lha kok jadi melenceng gini ya bahasannya??? curhat colongan gini.. (yaaa, namanya juga blog gw.. suka2, dong--euhh!)

Yahh, begitulah pokonya..

Oiya, tadi si lala ngeliat gw pas balik dari Gramed itu. Kan gw perginya ma si mantan, eh, emang semudah itu, ya balikan ma mantan? Si Lala dengan entengnya bilang "Balikan, lo?" halahhh.. Laa.... Tapi emang sih, kalo orang laen melihat itu juga mungkin aneh. Tapi, mo gimana lagi? Kangen? kaga juga, let's say, he's my friend now, just to keep in touch? Trust me, I really try not to think much of him now. When it's over, it is really over. So, no turning back for those pathetic moments, please.. I'd love to taste sweeter romance, better one please!

cuplikan adegan pagi after-exam..

"Oh, ada ya pop art? Waduh, lupa gw ada arsitektur gituan..mampus, gw! Jadi gimana, dam? Terangin ke gw, dong.." Seorang ajeng yang bodoh bertanya.

"Ya, jadi, Jeng, kan ada International Style 1, International style 2, Post-Modern, Nah, disitu ada pop-art, dekonstruktivis, ..bla..bla..bla.." Adam berusaha menerangkan.

... seperti yang udah gw tulis di caption awal :
cuplikan adegan pagi after-exam..
means : ujian sudah berlalu, lo baru bertanya, jeng??? Please..

2006-05-22T23:09:00.000+07:00

broken heart

I just can't easily define normal things now. What seems normal to you is just awkward to me. Or may be unusual to be true for me. For I act less of expecation..Less of hope.. Or even none of them. Have I lost the taste of life itself? That used to be colorful? Used to be beautiful in front of me.

I don't have any idea now of what that's best for me. For that I lost my happiness. For that I see you worthless. For that I waste my time. For the sake of love. I don't know is it love anymore. Coz love should also contains respect .. I can't see it on us.

People watching me like i'm such a doll. Not that i'm pretty. It's just that maybe for some of them, they may have judged me as a doll that've been fooled around.. played around. Another piece of toy of you.

So what do I expect now?

Guy who can respect me for what I am
Guy who can take care of me
Guy who notices me
Guy who understands me
Someone who's really not You

I can't believe what I've done to myself. Keeping myself tied up in tears for what seems like forever. I just can say I was wrong in the first place.

This place now is so uncomfortable. Seems like I can't breathe easily. Do I allergic to you now? What have I done to myself? I've been pretty tolerable and so so patient. Seems I've been fooled. I'm such a dummy.

How could you? Why couldn't you at least choose someone else.

I have some times thought to myself that things were going to be better. You'd be better. But I've seen nothing of you has been any better. Why? Have I been so pathetic for you? Have I been annoying all the time? All the time I asked for NORMAL tasks of a boyfriend. The things you should've done? For God's sake..how could you?

And you know what's the worst? I'm beginning to feel this kind of trauma.. I don't know.. You've hurted me so bad. I'm so torn.

When I came to stop by in the real world, I can see how pathetic you are as a boyfriend. How I should've dumped you a long time ago! But I've been so naively live in a wonderworld. No logical thing..

My tears, do you worth any drop of them?
My fears, all you've given me..
The broken heart?
Tell me you don't worth it all along.
But if you do, why don't you be any better?
For God's sake..
For me..
For the love that you told me you felt inside your heart?
Don't tell me it's been lie all along
But if it is, please end it now.

Stop making me cry
Stop hurting my soul
Stop reducing my appetite
Stop wasting my time

For what I've done to you. At least you owe me some explanations. I still want to hear them. It's for me, now.

I hope there'd still be us..
but if it'd be just i and you, i'll face it with my head held up high...

...and LOVE

So , tell me what love is..help me devine it

Very unlike you, I try to understand you. But you keep on running away from me..that leaves a trauma in here.

I don't care what might happen after I publish this piece. If some people came out upset, I don't care. Coz for this case, I can't care of anyone else. I can't. I just need all the energy to keep myself alive.

I feel like you lied to me. Why can't you just tell me? or may be explain why'd you did those? I do think it's unexplainable. Just tell me, still with her? Still left there? your heart? The one you promised me? remember?

Now that word means nothing to me.

Don't promise someone things you can't promise.

Don't give someone the thing that you don't want to give.

Everything you've done to me, people just under-estimate you.. you ask for it.

You know I don't trust you. You know it so well, and may be that's the easiest part you can beat me. you knock me down.. down to the deepest well of uncountable tears.

Why can't you learn to teach me how to trust you? Or is it really nothing I should trust? coz it's a lie instead of a fact.

Don't say you don't understand what i'm writing in here.. coz it's so damn clear for you to realize..

You broke my heart apart

you torn my still-on-self-learning-believe trust

you hurt me so damn hard..

you stabbed my back

and the worst part...you don't even say you're sorry....

tears wont fall again, just be aware...

2006-05-20T18:16:00.000+07:00

"For God's sake, I'm not a Kid!!!"

Gosh, I wanna say it to my mom LOUD!!!!!

2006-04-29T21:05:00.000+07:00

crossing the edge of my patience
waiting for a reply of romance
wait..tick..tock..

are you going to say a word?
are you going to let me get burned?
wait..tick..tock..

I've said what I need to say
you keep your mouth shut and so I pray
wait..tick..tock..

I asked you to kiss my forehead
I wanted to be calmed and chilled
wait..tick..tock..

Don't say you're angry
Don't say you hate me
Don't say you use me
Just say you love me

2006-04-22T00:28:00.000+07:00

Just my CONFESSION..

I took a drag..from a friend

and so..

fulfilled my curiousity..

felt sweet.

Not that special.

I'd rather stick with my cinnamon after coffee mints from starbucks.

I'd rather go to seesha.

..and I'd rather write than take another drag..

2006-04-20T20:39:00.000+07:00

Entah kenapa rasa itu nggak pernah lagi menyinggahi hati ini lebih dari 10 detik. Semua pemikiran lain tiba-tiba bermunculan dan membuyarkan perasaan yang hanya tahan sebentar itu. Rasa yang sangat kuinginkan. Hilang.

Semua itu dibuyarkan oleh faktor ekstern dan intern.

Ternyata menyembunyikan rasa kecewa itu mudah, ya? Menyembunyikan rasa sakit yang amat sangat. Muka ini memang topeng. Aku tinggal menyuruh mukaku untuk tersenyum, dan dia pun akan percaya aku tersenyum.

Tidak selamanya intisari diberikan oleh dosen dan guru pada jam belajar. Apalagi ketika kita sudah memasuki masa kuliah. Kita dituntut untuk mengerti sendiri-sendiri. Semuanya tidak begitu saja diberikan oleh dosen. Kita harus berpikir. Semua orang pasti berpikir. Dan untuk sebagian yang tidak menggunakan otaknya pada kehidupan nyata dan sehari-hari, patut dipertanyakan, apa orang itu memang punya keinginan untuk menjalani kehidupan sehari-harinya dengan benar dan lancar. Hal ini tentu dipertanyakan. Karena tentunya, tidak mungkin aku bertanya apa mungkin orang tadi tidak bisa berpikir? Nggak mungkin, semua orang punya otak. Think!

2006-04-18T19:34:00.000+07:00

Always make me shiver.. that one song.. I can't tell when I'm gonna feel bored with this song, Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice..

I really love this song....

2006-04-14T22:18:00.000+07:00

udah lama ga nulis disini.. Tadi baru aja balik dari bogor. Abis ngunjungin Pakde sekeluarga... ...sebenernya sedikit malas nyeritain soal itu.. ga gitu penting soalnyaa..

Hmm.. angga uda sembuh, blom ya? Dia lagi sakit, soalnya..katanya si tadi siang uda baekan.. ya, moga-moga aja cepet sembuh dan ga knapa-knapa... Tadinya gw mau nekat aja dateng ke rumahnya nengokin.. tapi ga jadi, abisan kelewat heboh..hehehehe... Sekarang angga lagi ngapain, ya? sms, ah...

sori ya, isi blog ga penting banget.. abisan emosi lagi super stabil.. heheh...*grin*

2006-04-07T23:21:00.000+07:00

Cerita Hati

Saya baru saja baca blog teman saya. Cerita Sepatu Kaca itu mengingatkan saya akan cerita seseorang. Saya lupa siapa yang menceritakan kisah itu kepada saya. Seingat saya sih nggak directly ke saya, sepertinya cerita di kelas, deh..

Cuplikan cerita yang saya ingat adalah:

"Disini ada dua hati, yang satu warnanya sudah kusam, merah kehitaman, dengan lubang disana-sini. Sedangkan yang satu lagi hati yang masih sangat segar, warnanya merah dan masih utuh dan mulus, tidak ada cacat dimanapun. Hati mana yang nilainya paling tinggi?"

"Tentunya hati yang masih segar! Warnanya merah cerah dan tidak ada lubang disana-sini."

Saya lupa bagian ini.. lanjutannya pokonya:

"Hati yang sudah jelek ini adalah milik bapak tua itu. Sedangkan hati yang masih segar ini adalah milik anak muda itu. Jika saya diharuskan memilih, hati yang lebih berharga, saya akan memilih hati yang sudah jelek itu. Hati itu warnanya sudah kusam karena seiring dengan waktu ia menambah pengalaman dari lingkungan sekitarnya. Sedangkan lubang-lubang yang terdapat pada hati yang sudah kusam itu adalah sangat berharga karena Bapak tua itu rela membagi-bagikan secuil hatinya untuk orang lain yang kurang perasa. Lama kelamaan hati miliknya sendiri pun berkurang. Namun, tujuan Bapak tua itu adalah sangat mulia, yaitu untuk menolong orang lain."

Ya, begitulah cuplikan cerita yang saya dengar. Tentunya pasti terdapat kesalahan karena saya tidak terlalu ingat akan ceritanya. Tapi, yang terpenting, tujuannya dapet, kan?

2006-04-01T10:48:00.000+07:00

Sorry for the things I've said to you, for the things I've done to you. For all my mistakes that I made just to satisfy my self-righteousness. Sorry for the doubt.

2006-04-01T10:45:00.000+07:00

From the back of my brain
And running through my vain
With my consciousness
And my heart beat so fast

Wondering how you feel so far
Day-dreaming about you and your heart
Wondering what you see in me
Day-dreaming about you and me

Did you try stay focused on me?
Did you really give your best?
Or Has it turned into a sympathy?
Keeping me in riddle want me to guess?

But it's all on me to blame
Come make me trust you
Say that I doubt you
Yea, it's all on me to blame

2006-03-31T23:37:00.000+07:00

"I Miss You So Much" - TLC

I never asked for this feeling

I never thought I would fall

I never knew how I felt

Till the day you were gone

I was lost

I never asked for red roses

I wasn't looking for love

Somehow I let my emotions take hold

And guess what all at once

I'm in love

[Chorus:]

Oh I miss you so much

I long for your love

It's scares me

Cuz my heart gets so weak

That I can't even breathe

How can you take things so easily

Baby why aren't you missing me?

Why did I act like you mattered

It was silly of me to believe

That if I just opened my heart

Things would come naturally

Jokes on me (yeah)

I did not ask for love letters

So why did you give them to me

How could I let your intentions

Get hold over me

So in love

So naive (oh baby)

[Chorus]

And oh how

I hate what you have done

Made me fall so deep in love

Got no cure

You're the only one I want

That I love oh baby

[Chorus]

Baby why aren't you missing me?

"Why" - Avril Lavigne

Why, do you always do this to me?

Why, couldn't you just see through me?

How come, you act like this, like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away

I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

[Chorus:]

It's not supposed to feel this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?

Tell me, do you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying

Let's play, a different game than what we're playing

Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even when you're far away

I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

[Chorus]

So go and think about whatever you need to think about

Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream about

And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away

I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?

Tell me, do you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why

These songs pretty much reflect my heart..say I mourn for a touch of love.

2006-03-31T22:49:00.000+07:00

"please don't blow the candle, I'm still
searching for it deep inside this cave."

And all came crushing me like continous hurricanes. Came crushing. Is there anything that I can keep? Is there anything that worth my pain, my patient? Like if I waited for a temporary heaven on earth. Like It would happen to me.

Oh, where is the world I long for? Can I ever get into a peaceful mind? Will I ever get there? I hate being like this. Eventhough people say I should take it easily with no hard thinking and feeling, I still can't.

This anxiousness is driving me insane. I tried to be cool, didn't work. I tried to ignore, didn't work. I tried to think of any other stuff in life, still, didn't work! Oh, God.. I never thought it would be this hard. I didn't know I'd stab my heart. Have I been wrong in the first place? Have I been too selfish in the first place that finally I caught myself in trouble? I guess I took it too easily, selfishly. Tell me who can break the spell? Tell me who can get rid of my anxiousness? Tell me who can give me back my pride? I have longed for a joyful scent.

I long for your love. Should I do a suicide? Should I stand on the edge of any building and jump? Should I care for no more?

One said that I should do the same as the way I've been treated
One said I should show love.

I feel love when I say it. Tell me who can say it better?

2006-03-29T21:27:00.000+07:00

One of my thousands of hopes, One of the ropes that I've been trying to hold is loosing..

Or is it the owner that's loosing it?

And me? I'm holding it tight, though my hands hurt.

For whatever it takes, I'll hold it tight.

2006-03-28T20:00:00.000+07:00

"And so, they told me these.."

I tried to hold back my tears. I succeed, but it might be coz I'd already poured too many tears and my well ran dry. I didn't want to let her see me crying. I explained all of it. Not all, precisely. Just the main case that I was facing. She was there watching me as I drew line by line to make the project drawing ( Hell, I dont know what the name is). She accompanied me 'til midnight, 'til she finally colapsed and snored.. I didn't know it would be that releiving. She told me so many things that some had already been told by my bestfriends. She persued me to understand that this ship is made of woods and nails. And there are some leaking on some corners, those need to be taken care of.

"The problem is how you both keep it tight. Communication is number one."

"Maybe, just maybe, he's the type of man that need to be told"

"You guys just need to hang out more often"

"Just chill, he chose you!"

"You know what? Funny when he finally said: "she's the one" "

"Some guys never really notice what women want, they just need to be awakened."

"Try put your expectation lower. With that, when you finally get what you think as a higher expectation, it would feel like a bonus. "

He said He'll try, and I'm sure he's going to try.Though it's hard, I should trst him no matter what. I will, I will..

2006-03-26T16:21:00.000+07:00

Cool

Can I act as cool as I used to be?
Where is the old me?
Have I got myself changed?
Or is it my space that's changed?

So so many careless runs I can't count.
But then there's this gravel sprayed on the ground
I'm starting on watching my steps carefully
I'm being more sensitive, or is it the real me?

As I think of the oddness of me,
I still have it inside me.
I'll find my real personality
New or else the old of me

In the meantime, I really need my carelessness

2006-03-24T22:15:00.000+07:00

"Oh how girls love surprises!"

People many times say that. But that's the fact. Girls do love surprises. Even boys do. Well, in fact, who doesn't? People usually give surprises to make the person who got surprised feel happy. Surprises are meant to be unforgettable. Some people may also do that surprising thing to make them become memorial. There are may be many other reason that I don't know yet. Some people who've done it may also just said "I just wanted to do it" Still, surprise is an unforgettable thing.

This moment, I put that photo to remember the moment when he first surprised me. He took me out for an afternoon meal. He didn't want to tell me where he'd bring me. My heart jumping like popcorns popping out from the heater-machine-whatever-it-called. Where did he try to bring me? I was questioning like I could have the answer as soon as my brain start to think. But I had no idea.

And as he park there, he said "You wanna eat sushi, right? It's on me."

I couldn't stop smiling. I stay grinning all along. I couldn't stop thinking on how he remembered me wanting to go there. What a surprise for me. I'd never thought of him giving surprises, and he gave me one.

After the shocking effect, I started on feeling like choosing the guy-of-unexpected-things. And if in the future even in this present situation things are not the way I used to expect, then I should catch up with whatever may or did happen.

Taken from this dictionary :
surprise
• noun (1) a feeling of mild astonishment or shock caused by something unexpected. (2) an unexpected or astonishing thing

I just took the noun-meaning coz it's in the context.

2006-03-24T21:15:00.000+07:00

TeLL Me

How many tears have I cried for you?
How many fears that I hide inside me?
I still don't know you
Will you ever understand me?

I tried to sleep like child
But I can't stand the nightmare
If I go for miles and miles,
will you ever care?

I got dragged inside your cave
I got drowned into your lake
where are you instead?
Not in my cave, neither my lake..

Share me your stories
Sing me lullabies
Tell me fairytales
Try change my vision

I know it's rough
But I got to be tough
But when is enough
will ever be enough?

My love for you chained me
'til hell burns and melts the chain down
Til you effortlessly keep me
And I'll wait to be put in a box of lost-and-found

What you did to keep me beside you?
What you did to comfort me?
Appropriate for me to hate you
No reason for you to hurt me

Is there any reason?
Is there any answer?
tell me what happened
lately, I've had no laughter

17/03/06

what is unseen..

2006-03-20T20:42:00.000+07:00

I can't trust on things that I can never see
You say it's invisible, that I will never see
What if I say I don't understand?
I should've felt it, seriously, what i get instead?

In this case I can't sense it.
You say my heart need to be fixed.
I say your glasses need to be fixed.
I say we need to talk about it.

I can't see it coming out from you.
Tell me when last time you tell me you love me.
Tell me when last time you tell me you miss me.
See, fix your glasses! Disorder is on your point of view..

The way I look at things are may different from you.
But The way I look at you will never change.
I can't see how exactly you look at me.
I can't see how you effortlessly keep me.

So, send me letters to know you miss me.
On the other hand, don't send me anything.

And if I ever lose this feeling,
You'll just have to blame yourself.
Your effortless acts change nothing.
I tried and I'm now tired.

And so she screamed:

2006-03-19T16:54:00.000+07:00

She's left there alone.
With noone to hold.
No destination.
She couldn't help the fact that she's got nobody to count on.
She'd screamed so loud till she pulled out her notebook.
She's got all this stuff stuck on her mind.
And she says,

Pain.
Anybody please help me, I feel pain.
I don't know what's the healer.
Give me the medicine...
Let me live.

Pain.
And it hurts a lot.
And it forces these tears to finally bursts out
And it got me finally on my knees begging for no more pain.

Pain.
I used to dream about fairytale.
I used to have high expectation.
But now I'm hoping for nothing more but all that I've got.
Hoping for at least I could still have it.
Hoping for at least not to lose it.

Pain.
I'm in pain now.
Do you care?
Do you notice it?

Pain.
It's now all around me.
I'm having no more room to breathe.
And I've got no oxycan.
It's a mental suffering.

Pain.
I don't know what else to say.
You didn't seem to care anyway.
Do you?

LOVE

2006-03-12T20:18:00.000+07:00

Not as always it is to be spoken
Not as always it is to be written
For more, you can prove it to me
Your gesture, your attitude can tell me

How you act can tell me no lies

satu kata yang ampuh

2006-03-12T20:11:00.000+07:00

Dan semua menghilang... seperti kata vokalisnya garasi dalam lagunya "hilang". Tapi, dalam hal ini, yang hilang beda.. semua yang hilang hanya karena kata serius. Kata itu sangat jitu. Mempan untuk membuat seorang Ajeng merasa tenang. Dan semua rasa itu pun hilang. Rasa yang mudah untuk didefinisikan oleh satu kata. Tapi kata itu nggak akan diekspose di sini. Nanti buyar semuanya. Nanti apa yang dipunya bukan rahasia lagi. Nanti semua orang pada tau. Cukup seorang Ajeng dan Dia yang tau. Cukup jadi rahasia kita berdua.

LOVE

2006-02-28T03:46:00.000+07:00

Kenapa rasanya jadi gitu, ya? Ko beda?

Oiya, kmaren gw sempet menulis satu post yang lumayan...umm..aneh. Maklum, lagi PMS(pasca, sih, bukan pra..ya, deket-deketlah). Tapi post itu udah gw tarik dari peredaran. Masa iya, gw buka itu ke forum umum. Duu, jeng.. harus lebih sedikit tertutup. Masa iya lo ga punya a touch of privacy? Please don't you reveal them all. That's the point! privacy..

Oiya lagi, dua hari yang lalu, gw baru baca quotes yang tertempel di madin-G (a.k.a madingnya anak G). Ada satu quote yang paling gw suka. Semua orang pastinya udah tau dan ngeh soal quote yang satu ini:

"Love doesn't have a happy ending
Love doesn't have an ending."

Gw lupa penulisnya sapa. Tapi yang penting quotenya cukup nancep di hati dan otak. Ya, kan?

And I hope that love would stick on me for the rest of my life, and yours too.

like a newlywed!

2006-02-18T02:56:00.000+07:00

Even though I'm such a pain in the ass
Even though I can't give any good thing
I can only give that stare
I can only share my time

Even though I made you get hurt
Most of the time you recovered
And you chose to move forward
Rejected or not, didn't even matter

I did it all to you
I put you up, I put you down
Yet, you've never thought
of sneaking out of the box

It's like a newlywed
Everything's fresh and new
I'm starting on flipping the first page
I got a new character that is you

I'll see you tomorrow, the day after and everyday, the rest of my life...

SERIOUSLY

2006-02-15T08:09:00.000+07:00

Susah, ya berurusan sama orang yang kelewat sensitif. Mereka terlalu menggunakan hati mereka dalam semua masalah.

Even for a joke. Yea, even for a joke. Well, you took it too seriously and you felt like throwing me out of the line, huh? Admit it. I know. When you said "Seriously, ..." That's enough to shut me up. It did work, and it did hurt.

FYI, I don't need it. I just thought it would be fun to spend time with friends. Moreover, when it's for free. But, SERIOUSLY, you didn't like it at all, and SERIOUSLY, you didn't even willing to.

So, this is the situation:

Few months ago, there's a project. I wasn't working for it at all. Not my project. It's THEIR project.

Last night, they're having a dinner for free. Sure, they got the money from the project.

From the beginning, they asked few friends to come with them because some of them (who's in the project) couldn't come, and they have like few seats empty. And they insist on having the dinner last night. So they asked us to come, even though we weren't in the project.

One of them seemed like didn't like the idea of asking us to come and enjoy the dinner with them. All along the way to the place, he talked about one of them who couldn't come eventhough he's the one who work so hard. He wished he could've come.

Yea, right, like you really mean it. I know you mean it someway, but in one way, I know you don't.

You know I have my pride. I won't let you think that I don't have a brain, a heart, or a soul. I know what's wrong and what's right. And coming with you all last night is absolutely a very wrong decision. I should've thought about it in the first place. I shouldn't have started that joke. I shouldn't have blown your emotion. I know you were angry, I'm sorry.

But on my mind, if you were angry, you would say what you really mean. And you've said it all. Don't be such a hypocrite. Just do what you want to do. Thanks to you, I feel dizzy this morning for the last-night-crying-moment. Thanks to you.

SERIOUSLY, if you had thought about not letting me come along, You should have dismissed me in the first place.

One more thing, I don't think you have my sense of humour. I wont mess up with you again. Not again. I've had enough.

Lo bilang sori, oke, gw terima.Gw tau gw juga salah. Ga seharusnya gw becanda kaya gitu. Gw minta maaf.Tapi, satu hal yang gw ga suka. Lo ga jujur dari pertama, kalo emang lo ga rela, bilang aja. itu cukup ko. Waktu lo bilang " Serius gw, gw ga suka lo, .., .., .., ga ngasi kontribusi apapun." Gw tau dari situ, lo emang ga pernah rela. Nggak sedetik pun lo rela buat gw untuk gabung disitu. Gw yakin sepanjang perjalanan lo mikirin itu terus. Gw tau itu bukan hak gw, karena itu gw ga ikut semalem. Gw masih punya malu, kan? Apalagi setelah kenyang diomongin kaya gitu sama lo. Puas, gw puas!

Forgiven.
Not forgotten.
But I'm sorry too for my joke.

sepi..

2006-02-12T13:31:00.000+07:00

Sepi, ya?

Kriiiik..kriiiik....

Huh! Orang-orang pada kemana, sih?

Ziiiiiinng..

Pengen deh balik ke liburan. Semua sekarang sibuk ama kegiatan sendiri-sendiri. Gw juga gitu. Gw sebel.

Haaahhh...

Coba aja, gw punya waktu 26 jam sehari, seengaknya kan gw bisa gunain 2 jam tambahan itu buat maen-maen, sosialisasi ama yang lainnya. Gw kan makhluk sosial.

Tapi, kalo waktunya 26 jam sehari, gw tambah cepet tua, nggak, ya?

Hmm...

Udahlah, kaya gini aja udah cukup, kok. Gw juga gini-gini masih bisa ketawa-ketawa. Lagian, lo bakal sangat lebih menghargai waktu kalau lo cuma punya sedikit.

Oiya, belakangan cuacanya aneh, ya? Malem ampe subuh dinginnya minta ampun, tapi giliran siang dikit, jam 9 an aja udah panas. Panasnya nggak nahan pula! Tapi langit kayanya cerah-cerah aja, gara-gara itu ya panasnya jadi kerasa banget? Wahhh...

Tadi malem (dini hari) gw kan lagi di kampus, mengikuti prosesi *halah..* palantikan salah satu unit di kampus gw. Pas malem-malem itu gw keluar buat nyari makanan pengganjal perut yang cukup kosong. Ternyata, udara malem itu berawan, tapi awannya kecil-kecil. Intinya, langit tadi malem indah banget. Banget! Terus banyak bintang, lagi. Emang sih nggak banyak-banyak amat, tapi lumayanlah.

Tapi tetep aja sepi. Coba lo bayangin, tar gw mo nonton salah satu film yang booming dan mengambil tempat shooting di kampus gw itu cuma berdua! Bayangin. Semuanya pada kemana, sih?? Kalian dimana? Kok sepi...

Sepi....Semuanya sibuk sendiri..

Sepi...

relieved

2006-02-07T17:18:00.000+07:00

I've just read the testimonials on one of my friends's friendster profile. There's some girl missing her boyfriend [whom is my friend], I guess. What I mean by 'I guess' here is that perhaps, if I'm not mistaken, this girl is his girlfriend. They're living in a long distance relationship. And umm.. I just thought it was funny. that's all.

Dia senang, Dia juga senang, dan Aku pun senang.

One relieve shot hit on this land. This land used to mourn for water and wind and life. But out of the blue that hand pull the trigger and shot. Let that bullet fly, aim on me. I didn't try to dodge it, somehow this time I try to face it. May be a sudden hell or a sudden heaven.
Used to feel stressed out. Seemed like the air doesn't want to compromise. It doesn't even care. Doesn't even give a damn. The water doesn't even want to show up. Feel like hiding somewhere afraid to touch this land.
Til the sun came and told me how beautiful life is where I could try to reach and try to increase this land's value of life. I believe it, the sun has already watched this planet the whole day and compare this land to the most beautiful land. The sun told me how wonderful the other side of this planet is. Which is not my territory. sky's blue, water's flowing in the river, flower's blooming, bird's singing, all the optimum stage of what nature can give. Giving me hope and will to improve this land.
Millions of wishes and prayers I made. And I know that I have to reach my own goal. Even though it's hard, I have to do it for the sake of having a good value of life.
So first I start to dig the land search for water supply.
I just don't know how it just burst out like an arthesist water. And I thank God for every drop of it.
I was so surprised that this land that I neglected just recovered. I feel relieved. So I start it all again. Build it all again. We're cool now. But she said.. what if.. and I answer..well, then.. told him that.

Aku senang, Dia senang, dan Semua pun senang.

Let's burry all bad memories and lay on the grass as we watch the stars shine on us.
Let's keep the treasure untouched until we know when we'll open it again.
Let's hope for a new blessed beginning.
Let's pray to make the greatest land on this planet.
Let's work together.
Let it flow like the water in the river in our newly-developed-land.
Let's see what we can only see.
Let's look without any telescope.
Let's face whatever may happen.
Let's stick on the word 'alltogether'
Let me write this.
don't ask why

can hardly smile for now

2006-02-06T20:38:00.000+07:00

I just want to cry..

Seems like all happened at once. Those that'd made me sick. Yea, that word, sick, best define how I feel today. Sick. Sick of some things happened today.

My friend was like starting to joke around while, I didn't think it was that funny. Pretty much made me sick.

I got the most-hated person on my department as my-group-personal-lecturer.

I attend this meeting and all of a sudden, I forgot that my friend have to come to my house do this measuring thing, some constructional thing that we think have to be done by today. And for my mistake, forgetting, I should measure it myself.

I have a personal 'heart' disease. I don't have the cure yet.

I think I lost this battery charger. I need to use it.

Cold night.

One more thing= pre-menstrual-syndrome a.k.a. PMS

One very last thing, I should wake up early in the morning tomorrow.

HATE MONDAY!

2006-02-06T20:19:00.000+07:00

Kenapa pula si blogger ini.. sebel. Kenapa pake aneh2 segala

Gw hari ini bete..huhhh!
Dapet dosen pembimbing unpredictable..gw takut. Entah kenapa aura yang gwa rasain klo ketemu ama dia tuh bukan berasa kuliah, tapi sekolah. Gatau kenapa. Gw serasa mikir yaa kaya yang jadi serba takutan aja kalo deket-deket dia. Kaya dia tuh guru yang killer. Jadi takut banget bawaannya. Padahal, he's no teacher, he's a d**n lecturer. Tadinya si as long as he's not my dosen-pembimbing, ya gapapa, tapi in this case.. gw jadi tekanan batin gini, ya?? Sebell... Well, at least tar tugas yang bareng ama client diganti lagi dosen pembimbingnya. Tapi, gwa masi blon dapet jackpot juga sih, asal jangan yang satu itu aja. Plis, ya.. Masa harus kejar-kejaran ama dosen pembimbing? Yang bener aja, Duh, jangan dosen yang satu itu aja, deh..
Terusann yang bikin gw bete lagi.. ada lahh.. pokonya gw ga enak nyebutinnya. Sebel-lah pokonya. Nyebelin.
Terusann yang bikin gw tambah bete lagi, charger digicam gw entah dimana! Sebellll... padahal temen gw minta tolong motoin tangga di rumah gw. Tapi digicam gw ga bisa nyala, ya, yang mengindikasikan kalo baterenya totally abis.
BETE
Kenapa juga si harus bete? Ini kan hari pertama kuliah. Harusnya gw seneng. Gw tau si sebenernya orang lain emang berpikir sebel dan benci ama yang namanya hari pertama kuliah. Tapi, untuk sekarang ini gw ngerasa hepi-hepi aja kemaren. Gw seneng soalnya bisa ketemu temen-temen lagi, bisa beraktivitas lagi, ya, rame-rame lagi lah. Begitulah, intinya gw ngerasa hari pertama bakal menyenangkan, Turned out totally different.
I hate Monday! Mana kuliah mulai jam 7, lagi.. Padahal semester ganjil kemaren senen mulai kuliah jam 9. Sebel gw, mana dapetnya dia lagi.. sang Koordinator. Gw kan ga bisa telat-telat lagi datengnya. Mana ada telat ama ni dosen? Padahal, semester kemaren gw dateng studio jam 10..11.. halah, pokonya sesuka hatilah. Ini? Mana bisa?!?
I really hate Monday, now! For sure!
Well, I don't have any idea bout the next Monday. Maybe it's just too many irritating things happened today, on Monday. Oh God, please forgive me for hating Monday..

And you know what? The thing I used to do when I got a bad mood is just laying on my bed trying to fantasize blessful things. Trying to get myself a good night sleep. Just being away from the boredom. Away from the thing that'd made me sick. Just away. But I can't since I have to help my friend do the job. the task. I hate it. I so much hate it. I HATE IT!!!

kartu penunda kelulusan

2006-02-02T08:07:00.000+07:00

Ajeng & Dania : "Haaahh?!?"
Bapak 1 :"Iya, jadi kalo mau lulus harus nunjukin kartu perpustakaan dulu."
Ajeng : "Loh, ko gitu, pak?"
Bapak 1 : "iya, itu salah satu syarat kelulusannya. Nanti kalian nggak bisa lulus loh kalo nggak ada kartunya."
Bapak 2 : "Oiya, kartu perpustakaan disini berlaku di 10 departemen lho. Makanya, harusnya cepet-cepet diurusin."
Ajeng : "Walah, pak. Tapi saya dulu TPBnya barengan sama anak SR, takutnya susah buat dihubungin. Dan..gimana?"
Bapak 1 : "Memang banyak kok mahasiswa yang mikir 'Ahh..cuma kartu perpus doang, gampanglah ngurusnya'. Salah, itu!"
Dania : "Jadi gimana dong, pak?"
....bla bla bla....

Dania : "Jeng, cuma kartu perpus doang, gitu. Nunda kelulusan?!?"
Ajeng : "Gimana nih, Dan? Gwa takutnya anak-anak SR udah pada ngurusin sendiri."
Dania : "Yaudah, ntar kita tanya aja. Gwa punya nomer anak SR, ko"
Ajeng : "Iya, deh. Nyusahin ternyata kartu perpus, yaa"
Dania : "Iya, baru tau banget, gw. Tapi, toh emang kita butuh kartu perpus, kan?"
....bla bla bla....

letter to a friend, sorry.

2006-02-01T22:34:00.000+07:00

Letter to a friend.
I want to wrote but I got no stamps,
I have an envelope, a pen, and a piece of paper.
But no stamps so I can't send you letter.
I guess I'll just have to type it here.
e-cards.
e-mails.
This is a big world, ain't it?
Full of wonderfull super-intelligent inventors.
I used you.
You knew it.
You used me too.
We both are even.
In my thought.
Just in my thought, but I'm wrong.
I needed a shoulder.
You needed it as well.
I took advantage of you.
Being nice and all.
Doesn't mean that I didn't mean it.
I just had an inner thought.
I liked you.
I thought I really liked you.
But so bitch of me.
You can do anything you want.
I used you.
But I kinda feel right in some way.
You knew I knew you're not over her.
But you don't know what's with me now.
I think, it's been a mistake.
Having your shoulder and all.
I am so sorry.
I really really mean it.
I admit that I used you.
But there's one thing that I'm still not sure of.
I can't trust my lust.
I can't trust my mind,
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what I need.
I don't know if I'm going to regret this.
But I know that I've done wrong.
I was so out of my mind.
I wasn't thinking.
But.
If I ever regret this.
it'll be my fault.
For having such an unworthy untrusty feeling.
I can't trust my own feeling.
It always stabbed my back.
Like that one day in my past.
I was crying for God's sake it was just because I trusted my feeling.
I was all wrong.
And as a result.
I cried.
I was hurt by myself.
I don't know what I should do now.
I don't think you'll ever forgive me.
But I'd rather do preventive actions than fix a broken friendship.
Sorry.
I am so sorry.
SORRY.
But.
May I ask you one more thing.
Since I can't trust my feelings, would you please not to turn your back from me?
I hurt you.
I used you.
And I ask for more.
I'm such a piece of work, ain't I?
I am truly sorry for what I did.

sincerely yours.

trap, old trap

2006-02-01T20:57:00.000+07:00

There is something that deep inside my heart and brain I want the most. But it's all I really want. Nothing will ever occupy me for that. Nothing. Not through breaking a bunch of rules. That's just what I want to do, it's not what I have to do. And what I want to do is really out of mind. I have a commitment that I promise not to break. The hell, who dumb I'll be to break my own commitment that's already slipped through my mouth? But, I thought in this circumstance that I settle in was going okay and absolutely fine always meets trouble. The same old trouble. The same old rattling snake that's trying to bite me. The same trap. I know I might be wrong calling it as a trap. But it's all that happened. And I'm caught up in a trap.

And so I lost again..

naive to be fooled once, and dumb to be fooled twice, super-idiot to be fooled the hudredth times.

mommy

2006-01-31T13:15:00.000+07:00

At least my Mom felt happy for that..

I almost spend my night out again. At first I was driving home, but instead of getting home quickly, I just drove myself around for minutes. May be 20 mins. I thought I could spend my night happily at home. I might chit chatting with friends thru YM, I dunno. But then, I thought again, my brother would be using my computer by then. So, I thought again what I was going to do. I barely stopped thinking of calling my friends to go out. I was still cruising around. But I thought again, there's shortage of money. Problem. Yea, so I just decided to go home. And I searched for good reasons for me to go home that quick. I found one. At least my Mom would feel happy for me being home that fast. This reason meant a world to me. For once I might did the right thing. Make her smile. : )

depressed

2006-01-31T13:11:00.000+07:00

so why everything got out of boundaries?
Is that why things are meant to be broken?
Rules are made to be broken?
Do these explain the way things got out of line?

Why can't at least once I do right thing?
Why can't at least once I end up feeling splendid?
Why can't at least once I make no mistake?
Why can't at least once I blame you?

But it always ended up having all fingers pointed at me. And I sould carry all this flaws with me til death comes to greet me. No holes, No flaws, No mistakes, are No human. No death No human.
And hearts are to be broken..

And what's going on with me?

out of a sudden

2006-01-31T12:44:00.000+07:00

tadi masi oke2 aja, tapi kenapa sekarang jadi gini?

what happened to my PC?

2006-01-28T10:10:00.000+07:00

Hoahhhhh!!

I just thought I might use this blog again after a long time being neglected.

I want to start posting some stuff and change the lay out. But it turns out that I can't because my PC at home is currently being fixed. I don't have any idea where the trouble came from and I don't know when I can use it again.
My PC used a cable modem[the hell, I don't know] to connect to the internet. Since the PC is broken down, I just thought I might use the cable modem to my father's laptop. Then, I just thought that it only use one telephone-look-alike-cable to connect to the PC so it might also work on my father's laptop. But, it didn't work out. I tried ao many ways. but it turned out that it didn't work at all. So, I'll just have to wait..

By the way, I'm starting my lesson at goethe institut. Just FYI...doesn't even matter.

2006-01-06T10:49:00.000+07:00

all I want to do is just have some fun!

but there's still one more week to work on that stupid thing..Aaarrrgghhh.. I want to resign.. please, if onl i could..but. I've been to this point. just one last left to be done. just one.. but.. Aarrrghhh

but at least i don't have any more exams.. but I hate this semester! I hate it! and I should wait til those lecturers get their ass back here from Hongkong then I'm going to get my final score for that 8 credits study in the studio.. Aaarrrgghh...

but it's life anyway, what is it maight have been called if it's not as hard and rough as this? it surely wouldn't be life.

differences and confusion

2006-01-01T21:30:00.000+07:00

what it's all about?

differences and confusion

About me: music, fashion, literature, art, drawing, food, a bit of technology, a trial session of photography.

Confusing facts about whether I use my heart instead of my brain.
Nobody can tell me any reason for what have happened.

[ ] Think so I can feel
[ ] Feel so I can think

[ ] Have it cross my mind
[ ] Have it inside my heart

[ ] Differences are things I should put up with
[ ] Differences are things I should avoid

[ ] Differences will provoke a fight
[ ] Differences will teach me a tolerate way of thinking

*) put a tick on each right answer.

Moments of both of us

2006-01-01T21:02:00.000+07:00

Things have been working pretty well.
Moments of caring for each other.
Moments of behaving like strangers.
Moments of behaving so stupidly idiot.
Moments of fitting in each others' life.
Moments of showing the best of both of us.
Moments of showing the real us for each of us.
And those are all utterly for each of us.
for goodness and badness.
It's all because of the feeling...

to whom it may concern

2005-12-25T08:08:00.000+07:00

scared, thrilled, and surprised, I was
so you know...and I'm not covering it up
so you know...I've done stupid things
I let the explanation goes
thrumbling out my mouth
and watching you reacted that way
I know it affected you in someway
and there I was
scared, thrilled and surprised...

here, I'm not talking about you..
so don't get your face blush

help!

2005-12-25T07:37:00.000+07:00

what's with my cellphone?

so so stupid, I can say.. I do admit I'm getting stupid each day. So, it happened last night when I was playing with my cellphone. Just changing the settings etc, etc. and I got into the PIN code area.. so.. you know what happen next..I forgot the PIN code. I was quite a bit careless for that. I wasn't thinking that my phone was about to get blocked. Somehow I just thought that I could just cancel it then, but my thumb didn't stop pressing the number and all I did was guessing, and guessing the code. Suddenly it came up with the PUK number request..HELL NO!.. goddammit ... I was just playing with my cell and suddenly I can't use it.. Aaaarrghhh! And you know what? that wasn't the first time. I know I'm dumb. It happened once before.. few years ago.. that's why I don't have the PUK number. Even if I've got it back then, I must have lost it by now. Infact, I didn't remember where i wrote it down. God, help me...please.. stop me from being dumb! Or at least just help me on this one.. and I swear I won't touch that PIN code area again.. I swear! [But I was a bit curious tho about the correct PIN code number]. Dumb, dumb, you silly little girl!!!!!And what I'm going to do next? phone the local service area and get it done .. the sooner the better ..

tell me

2005-12-21T09:12:00.000+07:00

tell me
tell me
show me
teach me

if there's an opportunity
there're some options
i can't tell what's going on with me
i'm all in confusion

i can't decide what to do
so tell me what to do
show me how to do it
teach me how to do it

what if i give it a try?
but somehow i don't feel it fits enough
tell me
tell me
somehow i can't think like an ordinary person
somehow i can't even dare to try
somehow i'm too afraid that this may fall
somehow i think that this isn't appropriate

sepenggal cerita

2005-12-02T22:47:00.000+07:00

ada anak kecil berjalan di kegelapan malam

dia ketakutan tapi dia lebih takut lagi melihat kebelakang

ia takut bila tiba-tiba ada yang menikamnya dari belakang

ia cuma ingin terus berlari

tak peduli betapa lelahnya

jarak yang ia tempuh sudah jauh

sangat jauh, malah

ia sudah mulai terbiasa dalam kegelapan itu

tapi

tetap saja

kapan rasa puas itu datang

bila semua biasa-biasa saja?

anak itu merenung

masih dalam kegelapan

ia terhenti sejenak

atau mungkin untuk cukup lama

karena lamanya ia merenung

akhirnya ia pun terlelap

karena ia juga terlalu letih untuk menjaga matanya untuk tetap terbuka

dalam mimpinya

ia melihat matahari

matahari yang bersinar sangat terang

menyinari dan menghangatkan tubuhnya

"Nah!Itu dia!", pikirnya

itulah yang dia cari-cari selama ini

ketika setetes embun jatuh membasahi pipinya

ia pun terbangun

kedinginan dalam kegelapan

tapi kini ia tau apa yang ia tuju

jalan menuju cahaya itu yang harus ditempuh

cahaya yang menyinarinya dan menghangatkannya

cahaya yang dapat membuatnya merasa nyaman

tapi

dimana ia bisa menemukan cahaya itu?

bila jalan yang ia tempuh

hanya sebuah jalan dengan ujung persimpangan tak bertanda

tak ada satupun tanda...

she's so damn clueless...

blog, YM dan Otak

2005-11-20T23:35:00.000+07:00

blog gw emang kacow
emang...
YM gw juga kacow
banget...
otak gw juga lusuh
sangat...

strange feeling

2005-11-11T12:20:00.000+07:00

"I'm in a huuuge problem now"

"What's the matter? Just chill."

"Umm..have you ever felt something itchy--well, not exactly itchy--it's just some strange feeling in your chest that makes you lose your sanity, your peace, your ... it's just.."

"Feeling? What on earth is that kinda feeling that makes you think you're in a huuuuuge prob?"

"Since I can't get focus enough to finish my works. I just can't stand it ... and it feels itchy too, tho."

"Well, I don't know what exactly the thing is.. but, can I help anyway?"

"Yea, if you could just please stay.."

"So sorry, I can't. I've got something else to do. Actually I ought to run. Maybe you need sometime alone, on your own, to figure out what actually can help you out with that prob."

"You know what? You might be right. I think I'd better be alone for now. Thanks anyway."

And so he went away. Left this girl alone, but he had assured her just before he left that if she had anything else to share, she just need to send him sms. No need to hesitate.
In that place, she really found peace. Even though people were walking around, chatting and playing around, she could feel no more of that strange-feeling. For that, she send him one sms:

You know what? I really feel no more itchy-feeling in my chest again, just after you left. Does it mean something?.

gag jelaz

2005-11-04T16:42:00.000+07:00

am I suppose to do anything useful right now? Coz i don't feel like i am doing worthy things.. you know.. just watching TV and all those useless stuff I did..

I can't take it anymore! this feeling really really is... ahhhh!!!!!!!! So, next time we have holiday, we [my family] should really take a vacation.. anywhere, just anywhere that can make me more useful. I really do wanna go to the Beach.. snorkelling..yea.. Bunaken.. or maybe one of the 'Seribu' islands.

By the way, I got list of cassette that i wanna buy or at least i have the guts to have it:
1. 311
2. Fall Out Boy [yang ini udah kebeli.. akhirnya..lumayan..gw suka suaranya]
3. The Cardigans
4. Kaiser chief [bener, ga nih nulisnya?]
5. The Veronicas
wel, it's not a list, actually, I know. I thought I wanted to buy loads of cassettes.. but i figured it out it was wrong!