just so you know

I know it, you know it as well
no need to say it, but i'm going to anyway
I miss you, you know that
well I didn't say I want to go back
It's just hard to put another box
put it on the corner and get it locked
I know I'll get through this one day
I did it in the past so it's gonna be done someday
Clueless of what may come
I can only focus on what I should overcome
That's why we have this brain
filing the memories eventhough in pain,
just so you know.

what I need to doesn't mean I want to

I really want to say this: "This is it, then.."

Oh, if only I have enough courage and such big heart

gak ngeh

Baru saja disadarkan oleh seseorang. Saya sering menyakiti orang dengan kata-kata saya tanpa saya sadari. Tapi, sebetulnya saya tahu. Saya dapat itu dari Ibu saya, gen menurun. Like Mother Like Daughter. Penyakit ini, lebih parahnya lagi, saya lakukan terhadap orang yang sangat saya sayangi: Ibu saya sendiri, dan pacar saya. Seringkali saya bertengkar dengan ibu saya. Umumnya dan seringnya dipacu oleh kata-kata saya yang tidak saya sadari bahwa itu menyakitkan atau menyinggung perasaan. Ibu saya sendiri, dia juga memiliki sifat mudah tersinggung. Maka terjadilah semua pertengkaran di rumah ini. Orang-orang yang saling sayang bertengkar.

Pacar. Saya menyakiti dia dengan kata-kata yang tidak saya sadari. Terkadang bahkan tidak saya maknai. Berbicara tanpa berpikir. Lalu datanglah kata-kata yang pedas dari dia. Orang-orang yang saling sayang bertengkar lagi. Untuk hal yang satu ini, masih saya ragukan. Apa betul dia begitu?

"Floating"

I hate you
Left alone in the dark
You hate me
All those words stabbing my heart
I love you
Don't let us fall apart

Keep asking to myself,
tho you have the answer

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I just can't reach you

Let it stay
Don't care even when it hurts
Then you'll pay
You come and beg for forgiveness
Suddenly you stay
Once again I hope, so just be honest

Keep asking to myself,
but you have the answer

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I'm losing my faith in you

Staring at you staring out the window
Wonder what is today's show
Same people same background?
Or should I pull the curtain down?

Can't stop asking to myself
I get even more confused

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I'm losing my faith in you

So tell me..

10.32pm 17.05.2008 @home

"Thinking positive" itu dekat dengan "Hoping too much a.k.a. High expectation"
So now I'm floating.. it's not as if I'm happy.. it's that I'm not sure, going up and laugh out loud, or going down and scream out loud...

blahs

Sometimes I use this excuse: He's younger than me. So that I could think to myself that all he is doing is just impulsive and, of course, selfish. What do I get? Learn to be more and more patient. Try to hold on and handle all those obstacles. This is life anyway (I often say this to myself, to remind me that this is not a wonderland). Anyway, stay positive. Why don't I see how many times I let him down?

I give too much love. Why can't he just accept that? In fact, he should be happy with it, right?

Left alone wondering why? Why oh why? What have I done this time?

Men need their own time alone with their toys, with their boys, withOUT me.

Maybe he doesn't in too deep. So, the options are:
a. drag him deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeper
b. drag him deeeeeeeeeeper
c. drag him deeper
d. let him be himself

Let it go, let it go..

breathe..

blame it on me

she thought I turned him down. No, it's not it.. He turned me down.. And she keep on telling me he's a good person.. and it makes this even worse.. wanting him to be wanting me and the fact that he doesn't think that way at all, it's getting worse. I never stop praying.. No, I never did. I guess so.

please blame myself for that I waste my own time reminiscing. and the dream, of the past that I still carry on today, please just blame me. for not letting it go.

sabar

yah, kegagalan lagi.. sabar lagi.. sakit lagi.. capek selalu..

tapi memang ini yang diminta, sepertinya..

jadi, dalam semalam semua runtuh.. semua senyum dan pandangan mengawang itu hilang..

dan kupu-kupu itu harus kutangkap dan kukembalikan ke kandangnya.. uhh, susah betul!

00.26-00.31

sekarang jam 00:26. Jadi, seharusnya report kmaren uda terlewat. However, gw tetep bakal cerita..

pagi ini senang.. hehehe.. begitu senang sekali.. hingga siang tadi.. tapi.. entah kenapa.. mungkin memang takdir...*halah

skarang sedih.. tak bersua, tak ada sapa, tak ada kata.

sedih

aku maluuuu...

Apa ini betul? atau hanya... keinginan yang berusaha diwujudkan dalam imajinasi semata. Diharapkan terjadi di kenyataan.

Ternyata.. ada sebuah balasan darinya.. ihh, aku maluu...

Tapi, kok tiba-tiba si webnya sedang maintenance ya? aduh, sampai kapan itu? sungguh tak sabar menunggu...

Lalu, nanti akan bertemu, tak ya? aku malu.. akan seperti kemarin lagi sepertinya.. sungguh susahnya perempuan yang jatuh cinta.. uupss.. bukan deng.. suka, bukan cinta.. atau setidaknya belum... hehe.. aduh, bahasan jadi nggak keruan gini.. iya, jadi kemarin aku menghabiskan waktu cukup lama, cukup lumayan lama untuk memilih baju.. takut-takut kalau ketemu beliau. hari biasa aja uda lama milih baju, apalagi kalau ada maksudnya seperti ini.. aduh-aduh, jadi malu..

Nanti kalau ketemu, aku harus siap menyapa.. bagus lagi kalau kita bersuara.. hehe...

Oh, God.. thank God..

Was it my prayer?