just so you know

I know it, you know it as well
no need to say it, but i'm going to anyway
I miss you, you know that
well I didn't say I want to go back
It's just hard to put another box
put it on the corner and get it locked
I know I'll get through this one day
I did it in the past so it's gonna be done someday
Clueless of what may come
I can only focus on what I should overcome
That's why we have this brain
filing the memories eventhough in pain,
just so you know.

hari ini

Apa ajeng yang tambah semakin lemah, atau memang masalah belakangan ini selalu menumpuk?

Mungkin memang ajeng semakin lemah..

Hari ini,

Biro arsitek yang saya dapatkan (P.T. Penta) hanya mengijinkan saya untuk bisa KP selama 3 bulan. 2 bulan full time masuk tanpa izin dan pada bulan ke-3 saya boleh bolong-bolong. Tetap saja, saya sangat merasa tidak aman. Saya takut proposal saya bermasalah lagi untuk TA depan. Saya bingung. Ajeng bingung.

Ingin cerita, tinggal tersisa Bang Dory.. hehe.. Ibu pusing mikirin kerjaan, dino jarang cerita, ayah di Padang, teman2 sibuk TA, ada juga yang sibuk magang di Urbane.

Setidaknya, barusan dino memberi satu piring Ring-O. Makasih..

Kemarin,

Ketika saya sangat terpuruk, saya hanya bisa sendiri, saya tidak mau merepotkan orang lain, ya, karena alasan yang sudah saya bilang tadi.


Esok,

Saya ingin berharap langit esok cerah, tak berawan, tak ada hujan, petir apalagi badai.

gak ngeh

Baru saja disadarkan oleh seseorang. Saya sering menyakiti orang dengan kata-kata saya tanpa saya sadari. Tapi, sebetulnya saya tahu. Saya dapat itu dari Ibu saya, gen menurun. Like Mother Like Daughter. Penyakit ini, lebih parahnya lagi, saya lakukan terhadap orang yang sangat saya sayangi: Ibu saya sendiri, dan pacar saya. Seringkali saya bertengkar dengan ibu saya. Umumnya dan seringnya dipacu oleh kata-kata saya yang tidak saya sadari bahwa itu menyakitkan atau menyinggung perasaan. Ibu saya sendiri, dia juga memiliki sifat mudah tersinggung. Maka terjadilah semua pertengkaran di rumah ini. Orang-orang yang saling sayang bertengkar.

Pacar. Saya menyakiti dia dengan kata-kata yang tidak saya sadari. Terkadang bahkan tidak saya maknai. Berbicara tanpa berpikir. Lalu datanglah kata-kata yang pedas dari dia. Orang-orang yang saling sayang bertengkar lagi. Untuk hal yang satu ini, masih saya ragukan. Apa betul dia begitu?

"Floating"

I hate you
Left alone in the dark
You hate me
All those words stabbing my heart
I love you
Don't let us fall apart

Keep asking to myself,
tho you have the answer

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I just can't reach you

Let it stay
Don't care even when it hurts
Then you'll pay
You come and beg for forgiveness
Suddenly you stay
Once again I hope, so just be honest

Keep asking to myself,
but you have the answer

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I'm losing my faith in you

Staring at you staring out the window
Wonder what is today's show
Same people same background?
Or should I pull the curtain down?

Can't stop asking to myself
I get even more confused

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I'm losing my faith in you

So tell me..

10.32pm 17.05.2008 @home

"Thinking positive" itu dekat dengan "Hoping too much a.k.a. High expectation"
So now I'm floating.. it's not as if I'm happy.. it's that I'm not sure, going up and laugh out loud, or going down and scream out loud...

yeye..

"I'm a super girl!", that's my current shout out on friendster. But is that really what I feel like? I mean, feeling like I'm a super girl? I don't know actually. Sometimes we ought to say things to make ourselves believe the things that we thought were wrong but instead it might be right. You know, that sort of things.

I feel like eating cheese now.. I have mozarella and cherry tomatoes but no olive oil.. too bad.. aaahh..

sing, baby sing!

yea, I do, sing a lot

yea, I do, use the speakers

yea, I do, use headphones

yea, I love music

aint a waste of time..

I can't.. No, I'm in red!

this time, when you could know something, you chose not to, because you can't. and you live with uncertainty.

this time, when you could be happy and smiling a lot, you chose not to, because you can't. and you stop.

this time, when you could be in love, you run away, because you can't. why I can't? you all know the reason..

instead of being in an absolute joy, being in an absolute grief.. because I can't

instead of being in blue, being in red is better.. a whole lot better.. and i'm feeling red now..

*what's red by the way?*.. lol.. I don't care.. as long as it's red, i'd love it anyway.. and who cares?

and what's that pic there doing? nothing.. I just wanna share it with you guys.. twas taken in venice

pelangi

kupetik sebuah apel, kupetik sebuah jeruk, dan kupetik sebuah mangga. Buah yang paling mudah dimakan ya si apel, tinggal digigit saja. Si jeruk dan mangga ku taro di keranjang. Ku pandangi seluruh kebun, semua pohon tertawa padaku, kupandangi rumput, dan mereka menengadah mengintimidasiku. Kupandangi awan, dan semuanya tidak memperdulikanku. Kucermati tetes hujan.. satu-satunya hal yang bisa melebur denganku.. yang toleran denganku.. terima kasih untuk tetes air mataku..

Apel itu tidak membantu apa-apa. Jeruk dan Mangga juga hanya memberatkan bawaanku saja. Kukira dengan mencoba itu semua, aku bisa tumbuh dan bahagia..tapi memang sungguh sulit menemukan kebahagiaan itu..

hingga ku sanggup pandangi horison dan mencari pelangi..aku menunggu pelangi..

its a problem

so far i'm losing myself... I don't recognize the soul inside this body, the thoughts this brain produced and every feeling this heart exhale.. as if..

this and that and broken and happy and naive and stupid and ruthless and fucked up and clueless and ....

i shout and scream and do what i want.. for all this time these seem to be me and careless for being abandoned and pain for being left alone..

emotionally troubled and heart attack and scary and flame and crazy and everything just turns out to be a bit disappointing..

lack of interest in finding proton..

why is it so hard to tame my heart?
why is it too easy to be this crazy?

lack of self-control..

I don't wanna be me

I don't wanna be me
in this case, I don't want to
so, i reached the point when I'm so unsatisfied with me
I never thought I would hate me for being just myself!
and now I did.



How come I act the way I did?
the way that I would hate people for doing it?
It's just way too untolerable to me
but I am me anyway..
so?

what am I supposed to do ?
world's too small
time's too short
and now I can't change
to be a better person? it's hard





what would you do? If you knew that you have a very bad caracteristic and you wished that it'd just disappear, your bad characteristic? This isn't just attitude.. it's your nature. And for God's sake, I really want to get rid of it. But I just don't know how.......

keep myself inside my own boundary..

i hate being in this situation again.. I can't blame anyone, anything, but my super-unstable mood. moodswings.. understanding things that's meant to be nonsense..