here and now not lion but baloon

okay. i admitt it. i've got a broken heart. by a person that knew me long enough to at least have the ability to think of what was going to happen next. i admitt it. my heart was broken. and i never realise, even now, whether it has already been healed or not. I don't know. sometimes i looked back to the moments where he showed his affection. sometimes i looked through what's in front of me. thoughts squeezing and emerging. a lot of things awirling like a tornado. all at once.

my life. right now. not a good state. not a good balance. not on a good platform. it's floating. and the contents beneath it keeps on changing. phase to phase. it's a rambling thought about here and now. life is not all about him. life is not all about chemistry between two opposites. but love makes you happy. and this one i feel right now. it feels so calm. so tamed. it isn't like lion capturing the prey. it is more likely to be assumed as a baloon floating in the sky. going way up high. driven by the wind. whereever it goes, it still is going up.

die Bibliothek

Here's the thing that's been accompanying me the whole time.
I live in Lemgo. I'd say a village, only that the village has supermarets and university. Ah well, maybe not really a village short to say.

Where am I studying? In Detmold. It's another city nearby. Just 30 minutes on a bus ride. Still, even though it's only half an hour, I have to walk far enough from the station to my University. Plus I have to fix my time with the bus schedule which i find not flexible at all. That's why I couldn't just go lemgo-detmold as if I had a car. And that leads me to spending my time at the Library while waiting for my german class on the pretty much night time.
I don't know whether I'm being useful staying at the library or just...I don't know...
Anyway, I guess my roommate just freaked out because she just saw a face lightened up in the middle of the niht when everything's black..LOL..*my face was lightened of course by this phone i'm using*

baru ngerasain yang namanya idup d kos-kosan

rasanya? Hmmm....bosen di kamar ga bisa ngapa ngapain.. Pengen ini itu tapi ga bisa.. Mungkin kmaren kmaren terlalu hiperaktif juga kali yaa? Untungnya ini ngekos sekamar ber3..hahahahaha...

Ntar pemilu kudu pulang!!! Ayo mari kita memilih untuk bangsa dan tanah air!!!!hihi..

hiks

sebel.. hari sabtu malah di rumah... hiks.. coba aja ada yang ngapel *halah

oaaaaa... pengen ikut nyampah ma anak2!!!!!

im laying in bed instead... *sigh

dull..

just so you know

I know it, you know it as well
no need to say it, but i'm going to anyway
I miss you, you know that
well I didn't say I want to go back
It's just hard to put another box
put it on the corner and get it locked
I know I'll get through this one day
I did it in the past so it's gonna be done someday
Clueless of what may come
I can only focus on what I should overcome
That's why we have this brain
filing the memories eventhough in pain,
just so you know.

when will I start?

I said I wanted to do this
I said I wanted to do that
too much this and that
ended up doing nothing
just thinking
thinking bout too many things to do
just thinking
yea, stupid..

so.. when will I start doing something??

when??

ready.. set.. go!

beli baju baru buat kerja.. hwihihi... im employed!

paper: senin

proposal: selasa

kerja: senin

dokter: selasa

karaoke: ...

nonton: ...

ngopi: ...

ready.. set.. go!

i wish

I wish I could help him..

hari ini

Apa ajeng yang tambah semakin lemah, atau memang masalah belakangan ini selalu menumpuk?

Mungkin memang ajeng semakin lemah..

Hari ini,

Biro arsitek yang saya dapatkan (P.T. Penta) hanya mengijinkan saya untuk bisa KP selama 3 bulan. 2 bulan full time masuk tanpa izin dan pada bulan ke-3 saya boleh bolong-bolong. Tetap saja, saya sangat merasa tidak aman. Saya takut proposal saya bermasalah lagi untuk TA depan. Saya bingung. Ajeng bingung.

Ingin cerita, tinggal tersisa Bang Dory.. hehe.. Ibu pusing mikirin kerjaan, dino jarang cerita, ayah di Padang, teman2 sibuk TA, ada juga yang sibuk magang di Urbane.

Setidaknya, barusan dino memberi satu piring Ring-O. Makasih..

Kemarin,

Ketika saya sangat terpuruk, saya hanya bisa sendiri, saya tidak mau merepotkan orang lain, ya, karena alasan yang sudah saya bilang tadi.


Esok,

Saya ingin berharap langit esok cerah, tak berawan, tak ada hujan, petir apalagi badai.

what I need to doesn't mean I want to

I really want to say this: "This is it, then.."

Oh, if only I have enough courage and such big heart

gak ngeh

Baru saja disadarkan oleh seseorang. Saya sering menyakiti orang dengan kata-kata saya tanpa saya sadari. Tapi, sebetulnya saya tahu. Saya dapat itu dari Ibu saya, gen menurun. Like Mother Like Daughter. Penyakit ini, lebih parahnya lagi, saya lakukan terhadap orang yang sangat saya sayangi: Ibu saya sendiri, dan pacar saya. Seringkali saya bertengkar dengan ibu saya. Umumnya dan seringnya dipacu oleh kata-kata saya yang tidak saya sadari bahwa itu menyakitkan atau menyinggung perasaan. Ibu saya sendiri, dia juga memiliki sifat mudah tersinggung. Maka terjadilah semua pertengkaran di rumah ini. Orang-orang yang saling sayang bertengkar.

Pacar. Saya menyakiti dia dengan kata-kata yang tidak saya sadari. Terkadang bahkan tidak saya maknai. Berbicara tanpa berpikir. Lalu datanglah kata-kata yang pedas dari dia. Orang-orang yang saling sayang bertengkar lagi. Untuk hal yang satu ini, masih saya ragukan. Apa betul dia begitu?

"Floating"

I hate you
Left alone in the dark
You hate me
All those words stabbing my heart
I love you
Don't let us fall apart

Keep asking to myself,
tho you have the answer

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I just can't reach you

Let it stay
Don't care even when it hurts
Then you'll pay
You come and beg for forgiveness
Suddenly you stay
Once again I hope, so just be honest

Keep asking to myself,
but you have the answer

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I'm losing my faith in you

Staring at you staring out the window
Wonder what is today's show
Same people same background?
Or should I pull the curtain down?

Can't stop asking to myself
I get even more confused

Are we in trouble?
Don't let me wonder
I'm so in love with you
But I'm losing my faith in you

So tell me..

10.32pm 17.05.2008 @home

"Thinking positive" itu dekat dengan "Hoping too much a.k.a. High expectation"
So now I'm floating.. it's not as if I'm happy.. it's that I'm not sure, going up and laugh out loud, or going down and scream out loud...

blahs

Sometimes I use this excuse: He's younger than me. So that I could think to myself that all he is doing is just impulsive and, of course, selfish. What do I get? Learn to be more and more patient. Try to hold on and handle all those obstacles. This is life anyway (I often say this to myself, to remind me that this is not a wonderland). Anyway, stay positive. Why don't I see how many times I let him down?

I give too much love. Why can't he just accept that? In fact, he should be happy with it, right?

Left alone wondering why? Why oh why? What have I done this time?

Men need their own time alone with their toys, with their boys, withOUT me.

Maybe he doesn't in too deep. So, the options are:
a. drag him deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeper
b. drag him deeeeeeeeeeper
c. drag him deeper
d. let him be himself

Let it go, let it go..

breathe..

Owh Puhleeeezzz.....

Oh God, NOOOOO! just a few months until the new semester.. (FYI, I didn't continue my final project. So I'm planning on doing it next semester). I got only 31/2 months to finish all these:

1. Paper work for Artepolis 2 (upcoming international seminar held by my department)

2. Apprentice for at least 2 months in Architecture Firm (too scared to apply)

3. Proposal for the next final project (how am i gonna do this? one semester seminar should be done in a month??? one fuckin month!)

saya pusiinggg pusing tujuh keliliiiingg.. oh astagaaaaaaa.....


PS: my boyfriend and I are okay now..*grin*

arsitek

saya mau jadi ibu rumah tangga yang mengurusi anak, mengajari anak perempuan saya cara merajut, menjahit, memfoto, membatik, melukis, dan cinta.

saya ingin memiliki gelar arsitek tapi saya tidak ingin menjadi arsitek.. untuk saat ini tidak.. lelah.. saya ingin retire.. seandainya saya bisa retire dari program s1 di ITB ini..

Capek..

yang, kamu dimana? maafin ajeng ya yang... Trisna, maafin Ajeng.. maaf...

kamu dimana? ajeng kangen.....

yeye..

"I'm a super girl!", that's my current shout out on friendster. But is that really what I feel like? I mean, feeling like I'm a super girl? I don't know actually. Sometimes we ought to say things to make ourselves believe the things that we thought were wrong but instead it might be right. You know, that sort of things.

I feel like eating cheese now.. I have mozarella and cherry tomatoes but no olive oil.. too bad.. aaahh..

the world's top 10 most liveable cities

yea, just see it here.

sing, baby sing!

yea, I do, sing a lot

yea, I do, use the speakers

yea, I do, use headphones

yea, I love music

aint a waste of time..

I can't.. No, I'm in red!

this time, when you could know something, you chose not to, because you can't. and you live with uncertainty.

this time, when you could be happy and smiling a lot, you chose not to, because you can't. and you stop.

this time, when you could be in love, you run away, because you can't. why I can't? you all know the reason..

instead of being in an absolute joy, being in an absolute grief.. because I can't

instead of being in blue, being in red is better.. a whole lot better.. and i'm feeling red now..

*what's red by the way?*.. lol.. I don't care.. as long as it's red, i'd love it anyway.. and who cares?

and what's that pic there doing? nothing.. I just wanna share it with you guys.. twas taken in venice

by the time we have nothing to do

ada yang seneng gambar2? baru menemukan situs lucu buat yang pengen belajar fashion design.. di www.fashionclub.com lumayan ada ajaran2 dasar.. hehe.. yaa.. ngisi waktu liburan lah. hehehe....

pelangi

kupetik sebuah apel, kupetik sebuah jeruk, dan kupetik sebuah mangga. Buah yang paling mudah dimakan ya si apel, tinggal digigit saja. Si jeruk dan mangga ku taro di keranjang. Ku pandangi seluruh kebun, semua pohon tertawa padaku, kupandangi rumput, dan mereka menengadah mengintimidasiku. Kupandangi awan, dan semuanya tidak memperdulikanku. Kucermati tetes hujan.. satu-satunya hal yang bisa melebur denganku.. yang toleran denganku.. terima kasih untuk tetes air mataku..

Apel itu tidak membantu apa-apa. Jeruk dan Mangga juga hanya memberatkan bawaanku saja. Kukira dengan mencoba itu semua, aku bisa tumbuh dan bahagia..tapi memang sungguh sulit menemukan kebahagiaan itu..

hingga ku sanggup pandangi horison dan mencari pelangi..aku menunggu pelangi..

its a problem

so far i'm losing myself... I don't recognize the soul inside this body, the thoughts this brain produced and every feeling this heart exhale.. as if..

this and that and broken and happy and naive and stupid and ruthless and fucked up and clueless and ....

i shout and scream and do what i want.. for all this time these seem to be me and careless for being abandoned and pain for being left alone..

emotionally troubled and heart attack and scary and flame and crazy and everything just turns out to be a bit disappointing..

lack of interest in finding proton..

why is it so hard to tame my heart?
why is it too easy to be this crazy?

lack of self-control..

stupid, again.

i feel kinda a bit weird here.. i dont know.. somewhere on the corner of my beating organ.. really, it feels strange since it didn't use to belong there.

and that alienish feeling seems to be so dilemmatic to me. I mean, I don't want to have that but I enjoy having it.. seriously, I thought one is enough.. not again.. oh god.. have i been too chrystal clear again? stupid me, how naive.. and how scary i've become. stop!

liburan tak ada gawe.. sepi pula

tuhkannn.. mulai ga penting nih liburan.. aduuuhhh ngapain yaaa... masih males mikirin seminar juga.. aaaahhh.. tar tanggal 12 ke jkt.. trus beberapa hari doang bistu balik lagi.. uuuhh.. tar dino wisuda.. mbak noni nikah.. uuuuhhh.. ramai betul ya bulan ini.. semoga membawa berkah buat gw juga.. hehehehe...

hmm, sebenernya ada sih kerjaan.. hehe:

BERTANI!! hahahahaha...

kmaren baru belanja taneman di lembaang.. senangnya.. hahahahahaha

lalala

syalala.. layout baru.. syalala..

aduh, penyakitnya layout baru tuh maunya dipromosiin.. hehehe.. tapi gimana caranya ya ... berhubung disini terlalu banyak yang 'rahasia'

blame it on me

she thought I turned him down. No, it's not it.. He turned me down.. And she keep on telling me he's a good person.. and it makes this even worse.. wanting him to be wanting me and the fact that he doesn't think that way at all, it's getting worse. I never stop praying.. No, I never did. I guess so.

please blame myself for that I waste my own time reminiscing. and the dream, of the past that I still carry on today, please just blame me. for not letting it go.

sabar

yah, kegagalan lagi.. sabar lagi.. sakit lagi.. capek selalu..

tapi memang ini yang diminta, sepertinya..

jadi, dalam semalam semua runtuh.. semua senyum dan pandangan mengawang itu hilang..

dan kupu-kupu itu harus kutangkap dan kukembalikan ke kandangnya.. uhh, susah betul!

sabtu ini

senang.. sangat senang.. bisa dilihat senyum yang tak henti..

00.26-00.31

sekarang jam 00:26. Jadi, seharusnya report kmaren uda terlewat. However, gw tetep bakal cerita..

pagi ini senang.. hehehe.. begitu senang sekali.. hingga siang tadi.. tapi.. entah kenapa.. mungkin memang takdir...*halah

skarang sedih.. tak bersua, tak ada sapa, tak ada kata.

sedih

maket tercinta

report hari ini:

gw bangun bukan mikirin siapa2.. tapi.. gw langsung teringat akan maket yang susah payah gw buat dimusnahkan dengan enaknya oleh orang prodi dengan acara ngeles segala.. sumpah ya.. makin lama gw enek juga ma ni prodi.. mana tadi lagi... si prodi ngasi tiba2 tamu dari malay ke himpunan.. diminta ajak keliling2 pula.. untung trakhirnya dapet cindera hati (duile.. bahasa melayu kali ya?) jadi ada radio deh di ruang himpunan tersayang nan gatal2 itu...

hmhh.. masih sakit hati mengingat maket tercinta itu.. susah payah dibuat.. kebayang ga si? bikin maket yang atepnya ribet.. dengan rancangan yang duile itu.. *sigh

yasudahlah.. nasi sudah menjadi bubur.. maket sudah menjadi sampah..

oh maketku tersayang.. aku merindukanmu..

padahal kan bisa jadi portofolio juga...hiks...

hmhhh...

oiya, tidak ada 'perkembangan' lanjutan.. sedih..

habis manis

habis manis, pahit terasa.. itu dia.. sekarang ada sesuatu yang cukup membuat galau. Padahal aku betul-betul mengandalkan perasaan ini. Tapi, sepertinya kali ini sama seperti kemarin dan sebelumnya.

Aku berusahan untuk menjadi ceria.. aku jatuh cinta.. atau setidaknya aku merasakan butterfly itu.. Aku ingin menahannya lebih lama di hati.. karena kupu-kupu itu yang membuat aku tersenyum... mungkin memang karena sepi.

mungkin akan ada report per hari demi kemajuan dunia perkupu-kupuanku...

aku maluuuu...

Apa ini betul? atau hanya... keinginan yang berusaha diwujudkan dalam imajinasi semata. Diharapkan terjadi di kenyataan.

Ternyata.. ada sebuah balasan darinya.. ihh, aku maluu...

Tapi, kok tiba-tiba si webnya sedang maintenance ya? aduh, sampai kapan itu? sungguh tak sabar menunggu...

Lalu, nanti akan bertemu, tak ya? aku malu.. akan seperti kemarin lagi sepertinya.. sungguh susahnya perempuan yang jatuh cinta.. uupss.. bukan deng.. suka, bukan cinta.. atau setidaknya belum... hehe.. aduh, bahasan jadi nggak keruan gini.. iya, jadi kemarin aku menghabiskan waktu cukup lama, cukup lumayan lama untuk memilih baju.. takut-takut kalau ketemu beliau. hari biasa aja uda lama milih baju, apalagi kalau ada maksudnya seperti ini.. aduh-aduh, jadi malu..

Nanti kalau ketemu, aku harus siap menyapa.. bagus lagi kalau kita bersuara.. hehe...

Oh, God.. thank God..

Was it my prayer?

hari ini kupakai lagi blog ini

Berhubung yang tau ini cuma sedikit dan sedikit itu pun tidak pernah berkunjung kemari, jadi kita beberkan saja semuanya disini.. mereka juga gakan tau kalo blog ini dipake lagi.. hahaha...

Jadi, setelah setaun gw memandangi makhluk ini akhirnya kenal juga! Ya, ga setaun juga si.. beberapa bulan almost a year lah.. Iya, trus, abis kenal langsung gw add deh d fs.. trus.. langsung gw kasi testi pula!! aduhh, bodoh kali ya? kapan gw bisa jadi perempuan biasa kalo tiap kali bergerak begitu agresif? ahh, tau.. cuek aja.. itu kan yang hati gw pengen lakuin... dan gw percaya ma hati gw. Hhhh, jadi deg-degan.. takut kalo ketemu.. kemaren aja pas ketemu muka gw langsung merah.. akhirnya cuma senyum2an doang!. Anjrit!! Tai lo, jeng.. kaya gitu doang.. kampung. hahahaha.. uda ah.. malu..

Terus, sayembara yaudah babay.. dan setelah melihat karya orang laen.. seperti Pa Apep.. huahuahuaaaa..hahahaha.. untung ga ngabisin duit buat nyetak, ga ngabisin duit buat maketin.. hahahaha..... Aduh2... Namanya sih pembelajaran.. hahaha.. Tapi kok pembelajarannya 250rebu ya?

Mampus, ada temen dino.. blom pake baju sepantasnya. *gw baru bangun tidur* ngerti kan para perempuan?

let's go fishing!

What's the use of all my vacations? went here and there and my mind stay still.
It's not that I miss you, it's just that I didn't even stop thinking of you. Even if i'm like 20 hours from here or 10 hours from here.

So, was there any point of having the vacations instead of staying here? I thought that trip could make my brain somehow work properly...guess I was wrong.

At least I know now that I think of you and it's not that I miss you. hope so.

always, nu lay out!

again.. nu lay out.. senangnya... bereksplorasi... uuu..

i'd want to say it tho..

he didn't even bother to say 'Hello'
why should i bother he hadn't say so?

he once stopped by to assure himself that we were okay
he didn't think that by asking me, he'd brought up the fire

for what he thought was best, it was just for him
for what he thought was for us, it's him being selfish
the more i know him, the more i hate him
the more i hate him, the more i think of him
so, laugh on me...

when i'll get my brain washed?
when i'll get my heart washed?

i am just too pathetic..

and even if i remember friend of mine once said that he didn't like seeing me being pathetic, it just wouldn't help in anyway..it supposed to be me being selfreliant. to believe that i am bigger that what i think am now that i could handle something bigger than before. but then i thought to myself that i haven't had anything else even as big as the past. so, will i ever get bigger somehow? i want to learn new things, new problems, but it just seems like i don't have any options of having any. have i been too closed?

jalan-jalan di Bandung!

senangnya punya blog dengan lay out baru.. huhuu bawaannya jadi pengen posting terus.. tapi bingung juga mu post apaan..

Tadi bis jalan-jalan.. huihui.. ke PH Regent.. katanya si disono murah.. tapi sebenernya gw ga merhatiin harganya.. yaiyalah, masa iya gw inget? kaya yang sering aja ke sono.. yaa tapi intinya.. kalo mesen pizza ukuran PPP itu lebih enak di Regent ternyata.. soalnya di sono tu topping pizzanya full, ga kaya di Dago.. pokonya surface roti yang tersisa cuma dikit deh.. jadi ya emang enakan makan PH di Regent..yummy!! lagipula, di Regent masi ada pitcher..

Abis dari sono, kita ke : Minaret Masjid Agung (bener ga ya namanya.. Masjid Agung???) Pas jalan ke Minaret itu, kita kudu muterin alun-alun dulu lewat otista.. soalnya jalan masuk ke "Parkir Luas dan Nyaman" di bawah alun-alun itu kudu lewat jl. Dalem Kaum. Jadi aja kita muter dulu.. tapi, kita ga belok ke Dalem Kaum dari Otistanya..kita beloknya di Kings. Soalnya kalo jalan lewat Dalem Kaum tu kudu bayar.. males dah! Oiya, di Otista ada toko "Singapur" yang sempet bikin si Nona Fe sensi.. huihui..Yasulahya..

Nah, pas kita di jalan Kings itu, kita uda ngeliat beragam makanan pinggir jalan a.k.a. makanan PKL yang menggiurkan.. huuu.. Dimulai dari melihat tulisan "Cendol Elizabeth", Bola Obi, Keripik Setan alias Pikset, sampe ngeliat yang aneh-aneh seperti Toko jeans "Paris Hilton" Hwahahaha.. Ini uda di luar konteks makanan, ya..Trus ya, pas di depan Toko jeans ajaib itu, ada Mbak lewat.. Uuuu dandannya, bo! Si Fe langsung merhatiin, "Gila, Emang-emang yang jualan di sana langsung pada ngeliatin, coba!" Hwaaa... pake celana putih, CD terlihatlahya.. dan pantat kemane-mane..--yyuu, penting banget ya bahas ini--

Yah, pokonya, saking banyak tontonan di sana, kita uda kaya di Taman Safari aja liat-liat ke luar jendela dengan berbagai macam tontonan.. tapi, ya.. bukan tontonan si, banyakan yang jualannya.. hehehe.. jualan kalung, tas, ampe sepatu.. seneng ngeliatnya.. untung juga si gw berada di balik pintu mobil.. kalo gw ada di situ.... Huuuu.. tergodalah eike.. --jangan, Jeng, jangan!--

Akhirnya setelah melewati crowd di sana, kita menuju "Parkir Luas dan Nyaman". Terus, kita naek de ke Minaretnya.. itu tu di tingkat 19!.. huihuihui.... tinggi, ya? Kita bayar perorang Rp 2.000,00. Kita naek ke sononya jelas pake lift.. Nah, pas pintu liftnya kebuka, ada satu Bapak yang mojok di bawah pencetan--tombol, maksudnya-- angka-angka. Gw pikir tu orang 'aneh' .. abisan dia mojok, duduk di kursi --note: ada kursi di dalam lift buat dia duduk-- sambil nunduk-nunduk.. Kan nunduk-nunduk itu perilaku yang cukup 'aneh', kan? makanya pertamanya gw aneh.. eh, ternyata sane juga.. dia lagi baca buku rupanya, dan dia tu petugas di liftnya ternyata.. gt..

Begitu sampe di atas.. hmm.. lante 19! Pertama kali tuh, yaa, langitnya biasa aja.. gw ma Fe sama-sama bawa kamera.. uuu.... terlihat segala sudut kota Bandung sampe ke horizonnya! Di sana kita moto-moto.. dan termasuk foto narsis berempat! Tentunya pake tangan Dicke yang panjang untuk memegang kamera gw.. hwahahaha.. lama-lama dia pegel juga rupanya.. kita ganti-ganti pose dan tempat.....menyenangkan!.. Sampe akhirnya si Upi mendapat ultimatum dari Egi.. Hwaaaa.. hahaha.. untung Egi ga tau blog gw yang ini.. hahah.. Jadilah kita cepet-cepet pulang setelah beberapa sesi foto narsis lagi..

Begitu turun, kita --again-- foto narsis dengan latar minaret.. ehehe.. pake tangan Dicke lagi! Ajaib tu tangan, panjang juga..

Abistu kita pulang de..nganter si Upi ke kosan, terus kita bertiga ngendon di kosan Dicke... transfer-copy foto.. dan lalala.. KITA BELAJAR! hwahaha.. kita ngulang-ngulang slide kuliahnya Pengantar Studio.. rajin bener, yaa! Malem minggu gituh.. kita malah belajar... yyuuu....
Sebenernya malem tu ada tawaran buat makan bubur dari anak-anak 2002 .. tapi kita males, soalnya mereka juga ngajakin ke alun-alun. Lah, kita kan baru dari sono tadi sore, yak! Jadilah kita memutuskan untuk OL sajaa.... tadinya si mu ke apotek dulu.. gw beli kapas, Fe beli obat... Oiya, fe bermasalah lagi perutnya.. lagi...

Sekarang, gw OL dari rumah, Dicke ma Fe OL dari Atheroz.. hmm.. laper ni, blom makan!

nu!

Yea, nu layout agaain... !

gossip

so, late at night chatting with my friend in jakarta through YM!.. what a very rare talk..

started from light gossip to a heavy talk with problems in urban life, like you could imagine. I just didn't expect to hear such thing..

.sepi mental.

kenapa ITU berasa seperti siklus? ada kalanya gw ga menghiraukan ITU, tapi ada kalanya gw tergila-gila akan ITU, ada kalanya gw ga bisa melepaskan pikiran gw dari ITU.

apa ini karena sepi mental? karena hati butuh berlabuh.

I don't wanna be me

I don't wanna be me
in this case, I don't want to
so, i reached the point when I'm so unsatisfied with me
I never thought I would hate me for being just myself!
and now I did.



How come I act the way I did?
the way that I would hate people for doing it?
It's just way too untolerable to me
but I am me anyway..
so?

what am I supposed to do ?
world's too small
time's too short
and now I can't change
to be a better person? it's hard





what would you do? If you knew that you have a very bad caracteristic and you wished that it'd just disappear, your bad characteristic? This isn't just attitude.. it's your nature. And for God's sake, I really want to get rid of it. But I just don't know how.......

i need to feel:

Weird.. knowing that I've spent my 4 days of a week holiday to chat--well, not chat exactly-- to 'discuss' about something so serious. very unlike holiday chit chat. where people supposed to be talking about life and gossip and stuff..

But at least now I have my holiday.. two days to go.. and then, start the whole routine again. meeting.. here and there.. getting ready for the big scale meeting at the weekend. Could you believe that? at the weekend...!

And now, big wind is blowing right outside my window. wow! okay, back to the topic again.. where was I?? oh, okay. about weekend. and so, I decided that I deserve to get a vacation.. trip to bali wouldn't be that bad.. my friend told me that the group wouldn't go unless there's a group of 40 people. with friends.. it'll be so fun.. I need to feel joy!

Oh, God! when am i going to say thank you??? I know I said it in every prayer. but still, do I really mean it?

I know I'm okay, but I feel empty. I don't know why.

at least for now I'm having myself a break, a holiday.

keep myself inside my own boundary..

i hate being in this situation again.. I can't blame anyone, anything, but my super-unstable mood. moodswings.. understanding things that's meant to be nonsense..

i don't want to be a liar.

i don't want to be a liar.

But, in this time i don't really know whether I've been sincere or not in anything in live.. I guess life's made of some bull and truth. we mix them all with good measure so our lives' look good to all people. the recipes that makes other jealous of what we call lie.. So the question now is, have I been lying? small stuff? big stuff? huge stuff? I don't know exactly..

anything but names

Gw cukup senang karena blog ini minim pengunjung.. so I could tell anything. Just anything..anything but names.

It really feels stupid. "How could You?", You asked me that. I didn't know,still I have no idea. How could it be that person? For all people you've known better. How come?

Slap your face and say Yeah!!! get real!! Wanna taste the same most-hateful melody again? It would absolutely kill you, you idiot!


DUH?!? So lame of me... AAARRGHH!

And everytime I see that face, I just think to myself, "How could I?". Still, it happens anyway, no excuse. It's like the irony of having both brains and heart. They could not compromise in any way. They just couldn't. Bless you, for people with peaceful soul.


That's so typical of hurting-me-person.

anything but names

Gw cukup senang karena blog ini minim pengunjung.. so I could tell anything. Just anything..anything but names.

It really feels stupid. "How could You?", You asked me that. I didn't know,still I have no idea. How could it be that person? For all people you've known better. How come?

Slap your face and say Yeah!!! get real!! Wanna taste the same most-hateful melody again? It would absolutely kill you, you idiot!


DUH?!? So lame of me... AAARRGHH!

And everytime I see that face, I just think to myself, "How could I?". Still, it happens anyway, no excuse. It's like the irony of having both brains and heart. They could not compromise in any way. They just couldn't. Bless you, for people with peaceful soul.


That's so typical of hurting-me-person.

art or photography?

gw bingung.

apa fotografi itu suatu bentuk seni?

Kalau memang itu adalah seni, mengapa harus dinilai oleh orang lain? Seni lebih dimengerti oleh orang peng-karya-nya (sebutan gw untuk seniman). Bener, kan?

Sebetulnya, ada sebagian dari fotografi itu yang bisa dinilai oleh orang banyak, yang dimengerti oleh orang banyak. Tapi, menurut gw, tetep aja ada bagian tertentu dari fotografi yang hanya bisa dimengerti oleh pengkarya itu sendiri. Atau mungkin fotografi yang demikian tidak mencerminkan fotografi itu sendiri? Mungkin itu hanya suatu hasil dari kamera yang secara langsung membuat orang berfikir itu adalah fotografi? Padahal mungkin tidak memenuhi kaidah dari fotografi dan prinsip-prinsip standarnya? Memiliki makna dan sebagainya? Bagaimana dengan orang yang suka melihat sesuatu yang menarik tanpa harus memikirkan makna dibalik itu? I'd call it art, and I took it with my camera, and I'll call it photography.

Don't call me shallow. It's just me and my peculiar attitude. And I'll do what I want.

Yah, memang art itu ada maknanya.. but let's just say I do what I want, and I name it art.

Untuk hal ini, gw perlu opini banyak orang, oleh karena itu, post ini bakal gw taro di smua blog gw.. so don't get fed up with this post. thank you.

routine returns!

This routine is coming back. I don't know how..Maybe because I've been too tired of all works to do? But I guess I did quite a lot time to have fun too.. Guess they're in balance... But, what about my body? May be my body is weak??

So, wake up this mid night.. 01.20AM nothing to do... I used to chat with my friend at this strange time, but we haven't been talking a lot recently.. Guess that person's allready forgotten anyway. People tend to get busy with things and forgot to what they call "unimportant".. or was I important? it doesn't matter anyway.. as long as I'm happy with what that person has given me..I'm so glad.

Now I'm just too depressed to start cutting the papers and I'm so not in the mood of starting drawing..........

Shoes!

yea.. nu layout.. haha..

Can't wait!

Kapan ya pesanan sepatu jadi? Katanya upi si besok.. uuu.. semoga mbaknya nggak bohong.

Akhirnya gw sms juga mbak itu.. Ohh, really can't wait!

Just finished reading this novel 'The Story of a Nobody'. There's a character named Zina. a young woman who did whatever she wanted. She just went with her conscience in her life. Well, so do I. But I won't end up like her doing suicide. No! Coz she thought she got no purpose in life.. while I think I have.

_Bright light, oh come and put me on the spot of your ray. Light me with no lust no desire and take me up to the rooftop. I wanna watch the stars as I cry myself to sleep. I wanna get drowned in my imagination as I soaked in the night fresh air. And wake me before I get into a dream of my early desire. For all my heart breaks and useless hopes, I don't wanna cry for another night. Back of my head said I'd better off catch another candle to lit.

_Bright light, oh help me find the path. Where shall I go? Everything's so dark and it is darken as I see my watch is tick-ing. I don't wanna go thru my early path. You know how it finished. The end is the graveyard. And as you can see, I'm mourning among all my dead feelings and dead hopes that'd been burried in a land of mistaken lusts.

_Bright light, oh bright light, help me to recover. This dead land of no water no spot of light needs seeds. One is okay. This land just needs life. The one it has felt before is not yet satisfying. I wanna see my self smile to sleep. I wanna feel wonderful for the occupied heart-needs. I wanna sing myself joy on the spot of your ray.

_Bright light. To be on the spot of your ray it'd feel like being in the most wonderful spot on earth...................................coz it's just imagination.

Some said to me
At the third year of my study, there'll be several new couples .. hahah..

When I come to think about it
we got the umm.. precedent. And it seems a lot of 'em.. Really?!?

But then
I'm gonna be in one studio with my ex. And so what?

What I want
is not to think much about boys .. Life is not about boys only, right?

Stupidity brings me back to the world I've left behind. Where my hopes lay like drops of water of a rainy day. Falling from the sky touching the ground. Swinging like a falling leaf. The wind wishpering telling me to stop imagining myself as a falling thing. Falling drops of water. Falling leaf. Why should it all fall? To convince myself that I've gotten myself into failure? Or to make sure that I stay on the ground as I suppose to do?

Green, yea I'm green. That's my name. That's my id. That's just so me..knowing things in a very minimum range. Like this time. I just need to eat a lot more. I just need to go much more. I need to experience new things in life. Much more. That's what life's about.

What if I try to jump? What if I try to run? What if I try to ignore? What if you don't understand?

No-no! It's really a no-no. Don't say I want to spend more time with him. Don't say I still want to be with him. Coz none of them right. Hey, I try to be professional here! Please don't tease me..(us). We broke up already! Hello!

So, what's with me working with him in a same division, and him whom takes charge of the div. Hey, what's with that? Like I beg him so I can be with him this holiday? Hell no!

Everyone, see the sign --> STOP! Okay, enough already. Stop thinking I'm still with him. K? WE ARE NOTHING MORE THAN FRIENDS NOW. GET IT?

Pagi : Ujian
Siang : Makan siang
Sore : Ke Kamal, Ke Gramed
Sorean lagi : Kampus
Malem : Kafe Halaman

Ahhh.. bisa dibilang tidak terlalu banyak waktu yang dihabiskan dengan bengang-bengong saja, kan? Hari ini terasa penuh, waktu terpakai dengan maksimal, gw suka ini. Habisnya kadang-kadang disaat gw ada waktu luang, kebanyakan orang memilih untuk langsung pulang. Gw? Gw justru malas kalo cepet pulang. Gw ngerasa useless kalo udah pulang, soalnya pasti gw nyampe rumah tu OL. OL pasti ampe ngantuk, trus mampir kamar bonyok bentar ikut nonton, trus? Tidur.. halahh.. bener, kan useless? Itulah alasan gw kenapa suka pulang malem.. Selesaikan sosialisasi di luar rumah.

Ya, mungkin ada yang bilang sosialisasi bentuk gw itu juga termasuk useless. Emang bentuknya kaya apa? Kadang cuma ngopi doang, makan, ngobrol di kosan temen, dulu sih suka nongkrong di unit. Duh, tuhkan, jadi inget.. udah lama banget ya gw ga ke unit.. ke LFM.. jaman dulu pewe banget nongkron disana. Yah, mungkin juga gara-gara mantan gw yang kurang ajar itu. Most of my time spent just to wait for someone who's never show up. Ahh, hate those moments. Kalo dipikir-pikir dia cukup merusak kehidupan sosialisasi gw juga, ya? Eh, ga juga, deng... gw jadi lebih sering di himpunan gara-gara dia, dan dapet temen-temen baru, ya anak-anak 2003 itu. Ehhhh, lha kok jadi melenceng gini ya bahasannya??? curhat colongan gini.. (yaaa, namanya juga blog gw.. suka2, dong--euhh!)

Yahh, begitulah pokonya..

Oiya, tadi si lala ngeliat gw pas balik dari Gramed itu. Kan gw perginya ma si mantan, eh, emang semudah itu, ya balikan ma mantan? Si Lala dengan entengnya bilang "Balikan, lo?" halahhh.. Laa.... Tapi emang sih, kalo orang laen melihat itu juga mungkin aneh. Tapi, mo gimana lagi? Kangen? kaga juga, let's say, he's my friend now, just to keep in touch? Trust me, I really try not to think much of him now. When it's over, it is really over. So, no turning back for those pathetic moments, please.. I'd love to taste sweeter romance, better one please!


cuplikan adegan pagi after-exam..

"Oh, ada ya pop art? Waduh, lupa gw ada arsitektur gituan..mampus, gw! Jadi gimana, dam? Terangin ke gw, dong.." Seorang ajeng yang bodoh bertanya.

"Ya, jadi, Jeng, kan ada International Style 1, International style 2, Post-Modern, Nah, disitu ada pop-art, dekonstruktivis, ..bla..bla..bla.." Adam berusaha menerangkan.

... seperti yang udah gw tulis di caption awal :
cuplikan adegan pagi after-exam..
means : ujian sudah berlalu, lo baru bertanya, jeng??? Please..

broken heart

I just can't easily define normal things now. What seems normal to you is just awkward to me. Or may be unusual to be true for me. For I act less of expecation..Less of hope.. Or even none of them. Have I lost the taste of life itself? That used to be colorful? Used to be beautiful in front of me.

I don't have any idea now of what that's best for me. For that I lost my happiness. For that I see you worthless. For that I waste my time. For the sake of love. I don't know is it love anymore. Coz love should also contains respect .. I can't see it on us.

People watching me like i'm such a doll. Not that i'm pretty. It's just that maybe for some of them, they may have judged me as a doll that've been fooled around.. played around. Another piece of toy of you.

So what do I expect now?

Guy who can respect me for what I am
Guy who can take care of me
Guy who notices me
Guy who understands me
Someone who's really not You

I can't believe what I've done to myself. Keeping myself tied up in tears for what seems like forever. I just can say I was wrong in the first place.

This place now is so uncomfortable. Seems like I can't breathe easily. Do I allergic to you now? What have I done to myself? I've been pretty tolerable and so so patient. Seems I've been fooled. I'm such a dummy.

How could you? Why couldn't you at least choose someone else.

I have some times thought to myself that things were going to be better. You'd be better. But I've seen nothing of you has been any better. Why? Have I been so pathetic for you? Have I been annoying all the time? All the time I asked for NORMAL tasks of a boyfriend. The things you should've done? For God's sake..how could you?

And you know what's the worst? I'm beginning to feel this kind of trauma.. I don't know.. You've hurted me so bad. I'm so torn.

When I came to stop by in the real world, I can see how pathetic you are as a boyfriend. How I should've dumped you a long time ago! But I've been so naively live in a wonderworld. No logical thing..

My tears, do you worth any drop of them?
My fears, all you've given me..
The broken heart?
Tell me you don't worth it all along.
But if you do, why don't you be any better?
For God's sake..
For me..
For the love that you told me you felt inside your heart?
Don't tell me it's been lie all along
But if it is, please end it now.

Stop making me cry
Stop hurting my soul
Stop reducing my appetite
Stop wasting my time

For what I've done to you. At least you owe me some explanations. I still want to hear them. It's for me, now.

I hope there'd still be us..
but if it'd be just i and you, i'll face it with my head held up high...


...and LOVE

So , tell me what love is..help me devine it

Very unlike you, I try to understand you. But you keep on running away from me..that leaves a trauma in here.

I don't care what might happen after I publish this piece. If some people came out upset, I don't care. Coz for this case, I can't care of anyone else. I can't. I just need all the energy to keep myself alive.

I feel like you lied to me. Why can't you just tell me? or may be explain why'd you did those? I do think it's unexplainable. Just tell me, still with her? Still left there? your heart? The one you promised me? remember?

Now that word means nothing to me.

Don't promise someone things you can't promise.

Don't give someone the thing that you don't want to give.

Everything you've done to me, people just under-estimate you.. you ask for it.

You know I don't trust you. You know it so well, and may be that's the easiest part you can beat me. you knock me down.. down to the deepest well of uncountable tears.

Why can't you learn to teach me how to trust you? Or is it really nothing I should trust? coz it's a lie instead of a fact.

Don't say you don't understand what i'm writing in here.. coz it's so damn clear for you to realize..

You broke my heart apart

you torn my still-on-self-learning-believe trust

you hurt me so damn hard..

you stabbed my back

and the worst part...you don't even say you're sorry....

tears wont fall again, just be aware...

"For God's sake, I'm not a Kid!!!"

Gosh, I wanna say it to my mom LOUD!!!!!

crossing the edge of my patience
waiting for a reply of romance
wait..tick..tock..

are you going to say a word?
are you going to let me get burned?
wait..tick..tock..

I've said what I need to say
you keep your mouth shut and so I pray
wait..tick..tock..

I asked you to kiss my forehead
I wanted to be calmed and chilled
wait..tick..tock..

Don't say you're angry
Don't say you hate me
Don't say you use me
Just say you love me

Just my CONFESSION..

I took a drag..from a friend

and so..

fulfilled my curiousity..

felt sweet.

Not that special.

I'd rather stick with my cinnamon after coffee mints from starbucks.

I'd rather go to seesha.


..and I'd rather write than take another drag..

Entah kenapa rasa itu nggak pernah lagi menyinggahi hati ini lebih dari 10 detik. Semua pemikiran lain tiba-tiba bermunculan dan membuyarkan perasaan yang hanya tahan sebentar itu. Rasa yang sangat kuinginkan. Hilang.

Semua itu dibuyarkan oleh faktor ekstern dan intern.

Ternyata menyembunyikan rasa kecewa itu mudah, ya? Menyembunyikan rasa sakit yang amat sangat. Muka ini memang topeng. Aku tinggal menyuruh mukaku untuk tersenyum, dan dia pun akan percaya aku tersenyum.

Tidak selamanya intisari diberikan oleh dosen dan guru pada jam belajar. Apalagi ketika kita sudah memasuki masa kuliah. Kita dituntut untuk mengerti sendiri-sendiri. Semuanya tidak begitu saja diberikan oleh dosen. Kita harus berpikir. Semua orang pasti berpikir. Dan untuk sebagian yang tidak menggunakan otaknya pada kehidupan nyata dan sehari-hari, patut dipertanyakan, apa orang itu memang punya keinginan untuk menjalani kehidupan sehari-harinya dengan benar dan lancar. Hal ini tentu dipertanyakan. Karena tentunya, tidak mungkin aku bertanya apa mungkin orang tadi tidak bisa berpikir? Nggak mungkin, semua orang punya otak. Think!

Always make me shiver.. that one song.. I can't tell when I'm gonna feel bored with this song, Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice..

I really love this song....

udah lama ga nulis disini.. Tadi baru aja balik dari bogor. Abis ngunjungin Pakde sekeluarga... ...sebenernya sedikit malas nyeritain soal itu.. ga gitu penting soalnyaa..


Hmm.. angga uda sembuh, blom ya? Dia lagi sakit, soalnya..katanya si tadi siang uda baekan.. ya, moga-moga aja cepet sembuh dan ga knapa-knapa... Tadinya gw mau nekat aja dateng ke rumahnya nengokin.. tapi ga jadi, abisan kelewat heboh..hehehehe... Sekarang angga lagi ngapain, ya? sms, ah...

sori ya, isi blog ga penting banget.. abisan emosi lagi super stabil.. heheh...*grin*

Cerita Hati

Saya baru saja baca blog teman saya. Cerita Sepatu Kaca itu mengingatkan saya akan cerita seseorang. Saya lupa siapa yang menceritakan kisah itu kepada saya. Seingat saya sih nggak directly ke saya, sepertinya cerita di kelas, deh..

Cuplikan cerita yang saya ingat adalah:

"Disini ada dua hati, yang satu warnanya sudah kusam, merah kehitaman, dengan lubang disana-sini. Sedangkan yang satu lagi hati yang masih sangat segar, warnanya merah dan masih utuh dan mulus, tidak ada cacat dimanapun. Hati mana yang nilainya paling tinggi?"

"Tentunya hati yang masih segar! Warnanya merah cerah dan tidak ada lubang disana-sini."

Saya lupa bagian ini.. lanjutannya pokonya:

"Hati yang sudah jelek ini adalah milik bapak tua itu. Sedangkan hati yang masih segar ini adalah milik anak muda itu. Jika saya diharuskan memilih, hati yang lebih berharga, saya akan memilih hati yang sudah jelek itu. Hati itu warnanya sudah kusam karena seiring dengan waktu ia menambah pengalaman dari lingkungan sekitarnya. Sedangkan lubang-lubang yang terdapat pada hati yang sudah kusam itu adalah sangat berharga karena Bapak tua itu rela membagi-bagikan secuil hatinya untuk orang lain yang kurang perasa. Lama kelamaan hati miliknya sendiri pun berkurang. Namun, tujuan Bapak tua itu adalah sangat mulia, yaitu untuk menolong orang lain."

Ya, begitulah cuplikan cerita yang saya dengar. Tentunya pasti terdapat kesalahan karena saya tidak terlalu ingat akan ceritanya. Tapi, yang terpenting, tujuannya dapet, kan?

Sorry for the things I've said to you, for the things I've done to you. For all my mistakes that I made just to satisfy my self-righteousness. Sorry for the doubt.

From the back of my brain
And running through my vain
With my consciousness
And my heart beat so fast

Wondering how you feel so far
Day-dreaming about you and your heart
Wondering what you see in me
Day-dreaming about you and me

Did you try stay focused on me?
Did you really give your best?
Or Has it turned into a sympathy?
Keeping me in riddle want me to guess?

But it's all on me to blame
Come make me trust you
Say that I doubt you
Yea, it's all on me to blame

"I Miss You So Much" - TLC

I never asked for this feeling

I never thought I would fall

I never knew how I felt

Till the day you were gone

I was lost

I never asked for red roses

I wasn't looking for love

Somehow I let my emotions take hold

And guess what all at once

I'm in love

[Chorus:]

Oh I miss you so much

I long for your love

It's scares me

Cuz my heart gets so weak

That I can't even breathe

How can you take things so easily

Baby why aren't you missing me?

Why did I act like you mattered

It was silly of me to believe

That if I just opened my heart

Things would come naturally

Jokes on me (yeah)

I did not ask for love letters

So why did you give them to me

How could I let your intentions

Get hold over me

So in love

So naive (oh baby)

[Chorus]

And oh how

I hate what you have done

Made me fall so deep in love

Got no cure

You're the only one I want

That I love oh baby

[Chorus]

Baby why aren't you missing me?

Baby why aren't you missing me?

"Why" - Avril Lavigne

Why, do you always do this to me?

Why, couldn't you just see through me?

How come, you act like this, like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away

I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

[Chorus:]

It's not supposed to feel this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?

Tell me, do you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying

Let's play, a different game than what we're playing

Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even when you're far away

I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

[Chorus]

So go and think about whatever you need to think about

Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream about

And come back to me when you know just how you feel, you feel

I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away

I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you

More and more each day

It's not supposed to hurt this way

I need you, I need you, I need you

Tell me, are you and me still together?

Tell me, do you think we could last forever?

Tell me, why

These songs pretty much reflect my heart..say I mourn for a touch of love.

"please don't blow the candle, I'm still
searching for it deep inside this cave."

And all came crushing me like continous hurricanes. Came crushing. Is there anything that I can keep? Is there anything that worth my pain, my patient? Like if I waited for a temporary heaven on earth. Like It would happen to me.

Oh, where is the world I long for? Can I ever get into a peaceful mind? Will I ever get there? I hate being like this. Eventhough people say I should take it easily with no hard thinking and feeling, I still can't.

This anxiousness is driving me insane. I tried to be cool, didn't work. I tried to ignore, didn't work. I tried to think of any other stuff in life, still, didn't work! Oh, God.. I never thought it would be this hard. I didn't know I'd stab my heart. Have I been wrong in the first place? Have I been too selfish in the first place that finally I caught myself in trouble? I guess I took it too easily, selfishly. Tell me who can break the spell? Tell me who can get rid of my anxiousness? Tell me who can give me back my pride? I have longed for a joyful scent.

I long for your love. Should I do a suicide? Should I stand on the edge of any building and jump? Should I care for no more?

One said that I should do the same as the way I've been treated
One said I should show love.

I feel love when I say it. Tell me who can say it better?

One of my thousands of hopes, One of the ropes that I've been trying to hold is loosing..

Or is it the owner that's loosing it?

And me? I'm holding it tight, though my hands hurt.

For whatever it takes, I'll hold it tight.

"And so, they told me these.."

I tried to hold back my tears. I succeed, but it might be coz I'd already poured too many tears and my well ran dry. I didn't want to let her see me crying. I explained all of it. Not all, precisely. Just the main case that I was facing. She was there watching me as I drew line by line to make the project drawing ( Hell, I dont know what the name is). She accompanied me 'til midnight, 'til she finally colapsed and snored.. I didn't know it would be that releiving. She told me so many things that some had already been told by my bestfriends. She persued me to understand that this ship is made of woods and nails. And there are some leaking on some corners, those need to be taken care of.

"The problem is how you both keep it tight. Communication is number one."

"Maybe, just maybe, he's the type of man that need to be told"

"You guys just need to hang out more often"

"Just chill, he chose you!"

"You know what? Funny when he finally said: "she's the one" "

"Some guys never really notice what women want, they just need to be awakened."

"Try put your expectation lower. With that, when you finally get what you think as a higher expectation, it would feel like a bonus. "

He said He'll try, and I'm sure he's going to try.Though it's hard, I should trst him no matter what. I will, I will..

Cool


Can I act as cool as I used to be?
Where is the old me?
Have I got myself changed?
Or is it my space that's changed?

So so many careless runs I can't count.
But then there's this gravel sprayed on the ground
I'm starting on watching my steps carefully
I'm being more sensitive, or is it the real me?

As I think of the oddness of me,
I still have it inside me.
I'll find my real personality
New or else the old of me

In the meantime, I really need my carelessness

"Oh how girls love surprises!"

People many times say that. But that's the fact. Girls do love surprises. Even boys do. Well, in fact, who doesn't? People usually give surprises to make the person who got surprised feel happy. Surprises are meant to be unforgettable. Some people may also do that surprising thing to make them become memorial. There are may be many other reason that I don't know yet. Some people who've done it may also just said "I just wanted to do it" Still, surprise is an unforgettable thing.

This moment, I put that photo to remember the moment when he first surprised me. He took me out for an afternoon meal. He didn't want to tell me where he'd bring me. My heart jumping like popcorns popping out from the heater-machine-whatever-it-called. Where did he try to bring me? I was questioning like I could have the answer as soon as my brain start to think. But I had no idea.

And as he park there, he said "You wanna eat sushi, right? It's on me."

I couldn't stop smiling. I stay grinning all along. I couldn't stop thinking on how he remembered me wanting to go there. What a surprise for me. I'd never thought of him giving surprises, and he gave me one.

After the shocking effect, I started on feeling like choosing the guy-of-unexpected-things. And if in the future even in this present situation things are not the way I used to expect, then I should catch up with whatever may or did happen.

Taken from this dictionary :
surprise
• noun (1) a feeling of mild astonishment or shock caused by something unexpected. (2) an unexpected or astonishing thing

I just took the noun-meaning coz it's in the context.